Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. @@ Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done everyday, but they're unable to do it themselves. -- Brendan Behan @@ Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? @@ Crittendon's 14th application of Murphy's first law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. @@ Culture is what your butcher would have if he were a surgeon. - Mary Pettibone Poole @@ Cure the disease and kill the patient. @@ Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. @@ Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Cynic: one who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. @@ Dare to Be Stupid! -- Weird Al @@ Darth Vadar! Only you would be so bold. @@ Darth Vader sleeps with a teddywookie. @@ Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. @@ Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. @@ Dear lord, give me chastity and self-restraint...But not yet, O'lord, not yet! -- St. Augustine @@ Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ... @@ Death has been proven to be 99 per cent fatal in laboratory rats. @@ Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. @@ Death is infinite cellular differentiation. -- Peggy Sammon Weakly @@ Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis @@ Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. @@ Death is nature's way of saying 'slow down'. @@ Death the ultimat high. @@ Death: To stop sinning suddenly. @@ Decaffeinated coffee? Just Say No. @@ Decisions terminate panic. @@ Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic. -- from "The Sayings of Muad'Dib" by the Priness Irulan @@ Deflector shields just came on, captain. @@ Dei sub numine widget @@ Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. @@ Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. @@ Democracy can withstand anything but democrats. - Jubal Harshaw @@ Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator Soaper @@ Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G. B. Shaw @@ Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken @@ Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one. @@ Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. -- E. B. White @@ Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the czar won't see his face. @@ Desk: A wastebasket with drawers. @@ DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. @@ Diamonds may be hard to steal, but they're easy to hide. @@ Did you ever buy wool candy at the circus? @@ Did you know that clones never use mirrors? @@ Did you know that no-one ever reads these things? @@ Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. -- John Barrymore's dying words @@ Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. @@ Digital circuits are made from analog parts. @@ Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. @@ Dinon dina, dit on, du dos dodu d'un dodu dindon. (Dindon dined, said he, on the fat back of a fat turkey.) @@ Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. @@ Direct action produces direct reaction. @@ Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought. -- Albert Szent-Gyorgi @@ Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. @@ Disguise your feelings when you put your relatives on the plane for home. @@ Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. @@ Disk crisis, please clean up! @@ Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal. @@ Do molecule biologists wear designer genes? @@ Do not be deceived by the whiteness of the turban. Soap is bought on credit. @@ Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue. @@ Do not be overly suspicious where it is not warranted. @@ Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say. @@ Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. @@ Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. @@ Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. @@ Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon. @@ Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today. @@ Do not learn the tricks of the trade - learn the trade. @@ Do not loan money to a fiend. @@ Do not put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today. -- Josh Billings @@ Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal code sec. 2.3.2 (Ii.A.)) @@ Do not shoot a glass arrow into a painted deer. @@ Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. @@ Do not speak about time, until you have spoken to him. @@ Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. @@ Do not tell big lies. Small ones can be just as effective. @@ Do not throw cigarette buts into the urinal for it makes them soggy and hard to light. @@ Do not underestimate the power of the force. @@ Do something big -- fuck a giant @@ Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. @@ Do unto others before they do unto you. @@ Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. @@ Do ya think I'm sexy? @@ Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb? @@ Do you have lysdexia? @@ Do you know the way to San Jose? @@ Do you know where *your* towel is? @@ Do you see anything wrong with going to bed with a german shepherd? @@ Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. @@ Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. @@ Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon @@ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? @@ Does your back go out more than you do? @@ Doghouse: A mutt hut. @@ Doing gets it done. @@ Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break. @@ Domestic happiness and faithful friends. @@ Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible. -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" @@ Don's axiom: when all else fails, read the instructions. @@ Don't ask me what the score is. I'm not even sure what the game is! @@ Don't be humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir @@ Don't be mad about growing old, some aren't that lucky. @@ Don't byte off more than you can multiplex. @@ Don't complain about what you don't have -- just be happy you don't get what you deserve. @@ Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! @@ Don't crush that dwarf; hand me the pliers. @@ Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense. @@ Don't discourage the other person's plan unless you have a better one. @@ Don't dream it, be it. -- from The Rocky Horror Picture Show @@ Don't eat yellow snow. @@ Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. @@ Don't everyone thank me at once. @@ Don't feed the bats tonight. @@ Don't force it; use a hammer. @@ Don't get discouraged... ...Nobody is perfikt. @@ Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection. @@ Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. @@ Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart and rich. -- Calvin Keegan @@ Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. @@ Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. @@ Don't I know you? @@ Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. @@ Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. @@ Don't let school interfere with your education. @@ Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. -- Bo Diddley @@ Don't lock the barn after it is stolen. - Hartly M. Baldwin @@ Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. @@ Don't look now, but your car was just towed! @@ Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. @@ Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. @@ Don't panic. @@ Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. @@ Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. @@ Don't read everything you believe. @@ Don't sweat it, it's only ones and zeros. @@ Don't take life to serious, it ain't nowhow pernament. -- Albert Aligator @@ Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. @@ Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. @@ Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. Ling @@ Don't try to have the last word. You might get it. @@ Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. -- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy" @@ Don't try too hard; you might succeed. @@ Don't vote - it only encourages them! @@ Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken @@ Don't worry about the world coming to an end today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Shultz @@ Don't worry, if everything worked right you'd be out of a job. @@ Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. @@ Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. @@ Don't worry you'll get over it. @@ Don't wrestle a pig in a mudhole. You both get all dirty, and the pig enjoys it. @@ Don't you ever do any work? @@ Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? @@ Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother. -- Kahlil Gibran @@ Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaire @@ Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian @@ Down with categorical imperative! @@ Down with ignurance! @@ Draft beer, not people @@ Draft the whales! @@ Draw your salary before spending it. @@ Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. @@ Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. @@ Drink pepper, M.D. @@ Drive carefully, death is so permanent. @@ Drive defensively, buy a tank. @@ Drop that pickle! @@ Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! @@ Dry dock: A thirsty physician. @@ Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. @@ Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. @@ Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. @@ Duck who fly upside down have quack up. @@ Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... -- Carl Zwanzig @@ Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. @@ Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. @@ During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. -- James Madison @@ Duty is what one expects from others. @@ Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maughm @@ E pluribus unix. @@ E. Coli eats s--t. @@ Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy based on excellence of performance. -- James Bryant Conant @@ Each of us bears his own hell. @@ Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. @@ Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. @@ Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. -- Jeff Berner @@ Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath; -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. @@ Easy credit terms available... -- Satan (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ Easy street is a blind alley. @@ Eat yogurt and get culture. @@ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. @@ Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" @@ Economy makes men independent. @@ Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. @@ Education is what you get from reading the small print - experience is what you get from not reading it. @@ Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee. [A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.] - Dutch Proverb @@ Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak. -- Bullwinkle Moose @@ Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson @@ Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks @@ Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Ehrman's Commentary: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better? @@ Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star @@ Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer. -- Fred Brooks, Jr. @@ Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? @@ Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. @@ Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. @@ Elephant to naked man: how do you manage to breathe through that thing, let alone pick up peanuts? @@ Elevators smell different to midgets @@ Elliptic paraboloids for sale. @@ Eloquence is logic on fire. @@ Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. @@ Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. @@ Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. @@ Engineering without management is art. -- Jeff Johnson @@ Enjoy life now because you're never going to get out of it alive. @@ Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. @@ Enough research will tend to support your theory. @@ Entropy isn't what it used to be. @@ Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. @@ Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin @@ Eschew obfuscation. @@ Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology. @@ Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen @@ Eternity is simulataneously whole. But time has a before and an after. Therefore time and eternity are not the same thing. -- Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica @@ ETYMOLOGY: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." @@ Eureka! @@ Evangelists do it with Him watching. @@ Even a cabbage may look at a king. @@ Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. @@ Even god lends a hand to honest boldness. @@ Even if the story isn't true, it does have a grain of sense and instruction to it, and it's entertaining as well, so it's worth the telling. @@ Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements, sooner or later the product will speak for itself. -- Hajime Karatsu @@ Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow @@ Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. @@ Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. @@ Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers @@ Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. @@ Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran @@ Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. @@ Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. @@ Even when opportunity knocks, you still have to get up off your seat and open the door. @@ Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? @@ Ever shoot an elephant in your pajamas? @@ Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. @@ Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. @@ Every cloud engenders not a storm. @@ Every knot has an unraveller in allah. @@ Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. @@ Every man has his price. Every price has its man. @@ Every man has three characters - that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has. - Alphonse Karrk @@ Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes @@ Every man is as heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse. @@ Every man thinks of his own fleas as gazelles. @@ Every now and then you have to sit yourself down take stock of your life and say 'what the hell'. - MGV @@ Every once in a while I feel that I am at two with the universe. -- W. Allen @@ Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. @@ Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. @@ Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. @@ Every purchase has its price. @@ Every rose has a thorn as its friend. @@ Every sheep hangs by his own leg. @@ Every solution breeds new problems. @@ Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good; if a sperm gets wasted, God get quite irate. -- Monty Pythons The Meaning of Life @@ Every subject's duty is the King's; but every subject's soul is his own. -- Shakespeare @@ Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. @@ Every time I think I know where it's at, the move it. @@ Every Titanic has its iceberg. @@ Every vibration awakens all others of its particular pitch. @@ Every why hath a wherefore. @@ Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it. -- Mark Twain @@ Everybody must get stoned. -- Bob Dylan @@ Everybody ought to have a friend. @@ Everybody ought to have a maid. @@ Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. @@ Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound funny, but it's still rock and roll to me. - Joel @@ Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. @@ Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. @@ Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. -- David Letterman @@ Everyone has a scheme that will not work. @@ Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. @@ Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile. @@ Everyone is entitled to my opinion. @@ Everyone is expendable and no one has a real friend. (Smile) @@ Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" @@ Everyone should know where his towel is. @@ Everyone stopping by with unsought advice will see your mistake. @@ Everyone who got where he is had to start from where he was. @@ Everything bows to success, even grammar. @@ Everything coming your way? You're in the wrong lane! @@ Everything goes wrong at once. @@ Everything great in this world comes from neurotics. - Proust @@ Everything is at the same time; nothing is vice versa. -- Zen saying @@ Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. @@ Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later. @@ Everything should be made as simple as possible but not simpler. -- Einstein @@ Everything should be transparent to the user. @@ Everything takes longer than you think it will. @@ Everything you know is wrong. -- The Firesign Theater @@ Everything's coming up roses. @@ Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time. @@ Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best- sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half- dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" @@ Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. @@ Excellent day to have a rotten day. @@ Excellent time to become a missing person. @@ Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. -- Ellyn Mustard @@ Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -- W. Somerset Maugham @@ Excreto ergo sum. @@ Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. @@ Exercise caution in your daily affairs. @@ Exhaustion error: Dos is too tired to boot. @@ Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it. @@ Expansion means complexity, and complexity decays. @@ Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. @@ Experience is a comb that nature gives us when we are bald. - Belgian proverb @@ Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other. -- Poor Richard's Almanac @@ Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. @@ Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones @@ Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes. @@ Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. @@ Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. @@ Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. @@ Experience teaches slowly, and at the cost of mistakes. -- James Anthony Froude @@ Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. @@ Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. @@ Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. @@ Express an opinion, but send advice by freight. @@ Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. @@ Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character. Avoid it. @@ F u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. @@ f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. @@ F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DRN! @@ Fact - Red lights always last longer than the green ones. @@ Facts are stupid things. -- President Ronald Reagan (a blooper from his speeach at the '88 GOP convention) @@ Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. @@ Failure is the path of least persistence. @@ Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. @@ Faire de la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps. Si on vous fait attendre, c'est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire. [Good cooking takes time. If you are made to wait, it is to serve you better, and to please you.] -- Menu of Restaurant Antoine, New Orleans @@ Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. @@ Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. @@ Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. @@ Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the improbable. -- H. L. Mencken @@ Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue. @@ Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint. -- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus. @@ False face must hide what the false heart doth know. -- Shakespeare @@ Familiarity breeds attempt. @@ Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister -- Su Tung-p'o @@ Famous last words: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 2) "You and what army?" 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop." @@ Fancy gizmos don't work. @@ Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. -- Goya @@ Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. @@ Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea... -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" @@ Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde @@ Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? @@ Fatal error at 2dh Abort, Retry, Ignore, Curse me out? @@ Fate just keeps on happening. -- Anita Loos @@ Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... @@ Feel good? @@ Few desires, happy life. @@ Few people have the imagination for reality. - Goethe @@ Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!" @@ Field theories, unite! @@ Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. @@ Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. @@ FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue -- Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker @@ Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. @@ Finagle's first law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. @@ Finagle's fourth law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. @@ Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. @@ Finagle's second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it (b) fake it (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. @@ Finagle's third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. @@ Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. @@ Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. @@ Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to tightness of schedule. @@ First law of advice: the correct advice is to give the advice that is desired. @@ First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. @@ First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). @@ First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. @@ First programming postulate: if a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction. @@ First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other. @@ FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....Only God can make random selections. @@ Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale. -- Adlai Stevenson @@ Flee at once, all is discovered. @@ Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write a bad program. @@ Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. @@ Follow the advice of your heart. @@ Follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it. @@ Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid it. Geniuses remove it. -- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept. 1982 @@ Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread. - Laurence J. Petery @@ For a good time, call 452-6089. @@ For a really sweet time, call C6H12O6. @@ For adult education nothing beats children. @@ For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. @@ For best results, squeeze from the bottom of the tube. @@ For courage mounteth with occasion. @@ For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken @@ For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton @@ For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. @@ For he who builds his casbah out of halvah, beware the nibblers. @@ For murder is the sport of the elected. And you don't even need to lift a finger of your hand. -- Police @@ For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. @@ For some good grease call 921-7723. (Hoagie haven) @@ For the sake of one rose, the gardener becomes the servant of a thousand swords. @@ For thee the wonder working earth puts forth sweet flowers. @@ For we are always what are situations hand us; It's either sadness or euphoria. -- Billy Joel @@ For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. -- Justin Richardson. @@ For your penance, say five hail marys and one loud blah! @@ Force has no place where there is need of skill. @@ Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. @@ Forgive your enemies but never forget their names. @@ Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment. @@ Fortunes! We don't need no stinkin' fortunes! @@ Four out of five doctors surveyed recommend preparation H for temporary relief of mild hemorrhoidal itch. @@ Four out of the five dentists I surveyed recommended root canals for patients. @@ Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. @@ Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. @@ Fourth programming postulate: interchangeable tapes won't. @@ Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. @@ Free the Indianapolis 500. @@ Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace. -- Orwell @@ Freedom is still the most radical idea of all. -- Nathaniel Branden @@ Friction is a drag. @@ Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. @@ Frisbee players are ultimate lovers. @@ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. @@ Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. @@ From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. @@ From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere. -- Dr. Seuss @@ From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. -- Swinburne @@ Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. @@ Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. @@ Function reject. @@ Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams @@ Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. @@ Future product: Andromeda stain - the hair colour that makes you look like a star. @@ Future product: Calculater - an adding machine for procrastinaters @@ Future product: Clearasol - effective sunspot remover. @@ Future product: Erosol - spray aprodisiac. @@ Future product: Gay abandon - homosexual repellent perfume. @@ Future product: Gossamer dodo - the human powered airplane for those afraid to fly. @@ Future product: Hyper diaper - never needs changing; the load just passes into another space/time. @@ Future product: Kodaclone - duplicating film. @@ Future product: Mop and glow - floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. @@ Future product: Preparation A - shrinks asteroids. @@ Future product: Quan-tums - immediate relief from unstable digestive states. @@ Future product: Quarkbar - the candy with flavour and charm. @@ Future product: Quasimoto - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France. @@ Future product: Solar flexus - solar powered exercise equipment to flatten stomach muscles. @@ Future product: Sqwerty - computer keyboard sized down for use by children. @@ Future product: Trac III - blade 1 pulls the whiskers, the 2nd cuts them, and the 3rd ties them into little bundles. @@ Future product: Trapezoid - a device for catching zoids. @@ Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs. @@ G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy." @@ Garbage In, Gospel Out @@ Garlic is to salad what insanity is to art. @@ Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. @@ Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. @@ Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" @@ Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. @@ Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. @@ Genius is the talent of a man who is dead. @@ Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard @@ Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". @@ George Orwell was an optimist. @@ Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. @@ Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. @@ Get hold of portable property. -- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations" @@ Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! @@ -- Gifts for Children -- This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" @@ -- Gifts for Men -- Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" @@ Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. @@ Girl, bathing on bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. @@ Girls just wanna have fun...Guys just wanna have girls. @@ Girls just want to have lunch -- A. Yankovic @@ Girls seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples. @@ Give a man a hammer and he will begin to view the world as a collection of nails. @@ Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. @@ Give him an evasive answer. @@ Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. @@ Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. @@ Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. @@ Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! @@ Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town. @@ Give up. @@ Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. @@ Give your time to those who need it most. @@ Give: help support hepless victims of computer error. @@ Given my druthers, I'd druther not. @@ Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. @@ Go 'way! You're bothering me! @@ Go away. @@ Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. @@ Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" @@ Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon. @@ Go west young, man. @@ God created woman to tame man. - Voltaire @@ God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. @@ God does not play dice with the universe. @@ God gives us relatives; thank god we can chose our friends. @@ God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change, The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect, and the wisdom to tell the difference. @@ God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh @@ God is a polythiest @@ God is an atheist. @@ God is Dead -- Nietzsche; Nietzsche is Dead -- God; Nietzsche is God -- Dead; @@ God is dead. -- Nietzsche | Nietzsche is dead. -- God @@ God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's @@ God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso @@ God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred Jarry @@ God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. @@ God isn't dead -- he's been busted @@ God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. @@ God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board -- Mark Twain @@ God made the integers; all else is the work of man. @@ God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. @@ God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein @@ God must love the common man; He made so many of them. @@ God never imposes a duty upon us without giving us time and strength to perform it. @@ God never misses an opportunity - if the door is open he will come in. @@ God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. -- William Bragg @@ Going the speed of light is bad for your age. @@ Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. @@ Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" @@ Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. @@ Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouch @@ Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying words @@ Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. @@ Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. @@ Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. @@ Good day to let down old friends who need help. @@ Good fortune will find you, providing you gave directions. @@ Good health will be yours for a long time. @@ Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. @@ Good morning, this is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock. (that's two minutes from now.) @@ Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. @@ Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. @@ Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. @@ Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. @@ Good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because no one looks for them. @@ Gossip: letting the chat out of the bag. @@ Got mole problems? Call Avogadro 6.02 E23. @@ Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. -- Ray Simard @@ Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. @@ Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein @@ Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. @@ Gray's Law of Programming: `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks. @@ GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout. @@ Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. @@ Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. @@ Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brecht @@ Gumperson's law: the probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. @@ Gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary @@ H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can do. Those who can't teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach administrate. @@ Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. @@ Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. @@ Hackers do it with bugs. @@ Hackers do it with fewer instructions. @@ Hackers know all the right MOVs. @@ Hackers of the world, unite! @@ Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. @@ Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! @@ Hailing frequencies open, captain. @@ Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) @@ Half of one, six dozen of the other. @@ Hall's Laws of Politics: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). @@ Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. @@ Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. @@ Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash @@ Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. @@ Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar Levant @@ Happy feast of the pig. @@ Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. -- Tom Robbins @@ Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens. From "The Thirteen Clocks" @@ Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. @@ Harp not on that string. @@ Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. @@ Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. @@ Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. @@ Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. @@ Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. @@ Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. @@ Haste maketh waste. @@ Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. @@ Have faith, though it be only in a stone, and you will recover. @@ Have no friends not equal to yourself. @@ Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale blue moonlight... -- Joker @@ Have you ever noticed that people who do things get most of their criticism from people who do nothing. @@ Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? @@ Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk." @@ Have you read the book "Celsius 232?" @@ Have you seen "Invasion of the body stockings?" @@ Have you seen Quasimodo? I had a hunch he was back. @@ Having nothing, nothing can he lose. @@ Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. @@ He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. @@ He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. @@ He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. @@ He hasn't one redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde @@ He hath eaten me out of house and home. @@ He is a good story teller who can turn your ears into eyes. @@ He is extremely smart, considering how stupid he is. @@ He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. @@ He is now rising from affluence to poverty. -- Mark Twain @@ He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. -- H. H. Munro @@ He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. @@ He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. @@ He preferred to be rather than to seem good. -- Sallust @@ He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. @@ He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. @@ He thinks that he could easily win your heart. @@ He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp." @@ He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. @@ He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. @@ He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with... @@ He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes... @@ He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS @@ He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. @@ He who drives an ass must of necessity know its wind. @@ He who eats when he is full digs his grave with his teeth. @@ He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors. @@ He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. @@ He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. @@ He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. @@ He who has burned his mouth with milk blows on ice cream. @@ He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had. @@ He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. @@ He who hesitates is sometimes saved. @@ He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. @@ He who houses a camel must make his door higher. @@ He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. @@ He who is a mocker dances without a tambourine. @@ He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. @@ He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. @@ He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened. @@ He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. @@ He who laughs last didn't get the joke. @@ He who laughs last, didn't get the punch line. @@ He who laughs, lasts. @@ He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel. @@ He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it. @@ He who reads many fortunes gets confused. @@ He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return. -- South African Saying @@ He who sleeps in a marsh wakes up cousin to the frogs. @@ He who slings mud loses ground. @@ He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. @@ He who speaks the truth better have one foot in the stirrup. @@ He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. @@ He who touches honey is compelled to lick his fingers. @@ He who weeps when sowing shall laugh when reaping. @@ He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. -- M. C. Escher @@ HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelley @@ He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this! Do that!" And nothing will happen. -- Harry S. Truman, on presidential power @@ He's dead, Jim. @@ He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. @@ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. @@ Hearts are the depositories of secrets, lips are their locks and tongues are their keys. @@ Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. @@ Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. @@ Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -- Milton Friedman @@ Hell is for children. - Pat Benatar @@ Hell's broken loose. @@ Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. @@ Hello! I'm bounder of adventure! @@ Help a swallow land at Capistrano. @@ Help stamp out, remove and abolish redundancy. @@ Her life was saved by rock and roll. -- Lou Reed @@ Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe @@ Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth... @@ Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. @@ Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. -- Peter Drucker @@ Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. -- Dorothy Parker @@ Heres to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. @@ Hey what? Where? When? (Are you confused as I am?) @@ Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields @@ Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. @@ High salaries equals happiness equals project success. -- Richard F. Moore @@ Hindsight is an exact science. @@ Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. @@ Hire the morally handicapped. @@ His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. @@ His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. @@ His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn @@ History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. @@ History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long @@ History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions. -- Ted Koppel @@ History is more or less bunk. -- Henry Ford @@ History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. @@ Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. @@ Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. @@ Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. @@ Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side. -- Han Solo @@ Hollywood - where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars. -- Fred Allen @@ Holy smoke Batman, it's the Joker! @@ Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. @@ Honesty is the best policy. @@ Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard @@ Honi soit la vache qui rit. @@ Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." @@ Honk if you love peace and quiet. @@ Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. @@ Hope is a waking dream. @@ Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. -- Peanuts @@ Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. @@ Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. @@ Hors d'oeuvres: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. @@ Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W.C. Fields @@ Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk it's still rock and roll to me. -- Billy Joel @@ How about a little fire, scarecrow? @@ How apt the poor are to be proud. @@ Ehrman's Commentary: 1) Things will get worse before they get better. 2) Who said things would get better? @@ How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all? -- Firesign Theater @@ How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? @@ How come we never talk anymore? @@ How come wrong numbers are never busy? @@ How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? @@ How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." @@ How do you keep a turkey in suspense? (The answer will follow.) @@ How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month @@ How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! @@ How doth the VAX's C-compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear all their clothes to rags. @@ How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. @@ How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? @@ How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software." How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out." @@ How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. @@ How often it is that the angry man rages denial of what his inner self is telling him. -- "The Collected Sayings of Muad'Did" by the Princess Irulan @@ How people play the game shows something of their character - how they lose shows all of it. @@ How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. @@ How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless hound. @@ How we deal with death should begin with how we feel about life. -- James T. Kirk @@ How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. @@ How you look depends on where you go. @@ How's your lysdexia today ? @@ Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. @@ However high the eye may rise, it will find the eyebrow above it. @@ However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. -- Tom K. Ryan @@ Hugh Hefner is a virgin. @@ Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. @@ Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition. -- Isaac Asimov @@ Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. @@ Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. -- William Gilbert @@ Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to.....to........uh.............. @@ I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent. @@ I am a man - nothing human is alien to me. @@ I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan @@ I am looking for an honest man. @@ I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. @@ I am not a crook. @@ I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. @@ I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! -- Paul McCracken @@ I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. -- Gloria Steinem @@ I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it. -- English Professor @@ I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. @@ I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. @@ I believe in Love. -- U2 @@ I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was...an arctic wilderness -- Steve Martin @@ I belong to no organized party. I am a democrat. @@ I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky @@ I can call spirts from the vasty deep. Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come when you do call for them? -- Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part I @@ I can feel no sense of measure, No illusion as we take, Refuge in youngs mans pleasure, Breaking down the dreams we make. Real. -- YES @@ I can relate to that. @@ I can resist anything but temptation. @@ I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh @@ I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh @@ I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear. @@ I could prove God statistically. -- George Gallup @@ I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. @@ I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks. @@ I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. @@ I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. @@ I did it! I found the program's last bugbugbugbug. @@ I do desire we may be better strangers. @@ I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov @@ I do not feel obliged to believe that the same god who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei @@ I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating. -- Boss Tweed @@ I don't get no respect. @@ I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. -- Ashleigh Brilliant @@ I don't know, ask Cathy. @@ I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow @@ I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. @@ I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. @@ I don't understand you anymore. @@ I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older. @@ I dote on his very absence. @@ I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan @@ I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. @@ I enjoy the time that we spend together. @@ I expect that woman will be the last thing civilized by man. -- George Meredith @@ I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. @@ I for one cannot protest the recent MTA fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. @@ I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. @@ I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. @@ I get by with a little help from my friends, Get high with a little help from my friends, Gonna try with a little help from my friends. -- Beatles @@ I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, And think of the places my get-up has been. -- Pete Seeger @@ I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. -- H. L . Mencken @@ I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. -- Samuel Goldwyn @@ I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson @@ I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. -- A. R. Longworth @@ I have a very strange feeling about this. @@ I have become comfortably numb. - Pink Floyd @@ I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. @@ I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. -- Warren Knox @@ I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one. -- James Gordon Bennett @@ I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. @@ I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" @@ I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again? I have washed my feet; must I soil them again? @@ I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde @@ I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. @@ I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. @@ I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. @@ I heard discussion and commentary merged to form dysentery. -- W. Allen @@ I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest @@ I just thought of something funny...your mother. -- Cheech Marin @@ I know engineers. They love to change things. -- Dr. McCoy @@ I know it all, I just can't remember it all at once. @@ I know karate...And seven other chinese words. @@ I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein @@ I know on which side my bread is buttered. @@ I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. @@ I like a man who grins when he fights. -- Winston Churchill @@ I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art Leo @@ I like it better in the dark. @@ I like the future, I'm in it. @@ I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. @@ I like your game but we have to change the rules. @@ I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise. -- Noel Coward @@ I love treason but hate a traitor. @@ I may be an idiot, but indeed I am no fool. -- Men at Work @@ I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. -- Doctor Graper @@ I may not be perfectly wise, perfectly witty or perfectly wonderful, but I'm always perfectly me. -- April D. @@ I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. -- Ashleigh brilliant @@ I must be cruel only to be kind. -- Shakespeare. @@ I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts. @@ I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love. -- Sting @@ I never did it that way before. @@ I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. @@ I never had anything and now that's gone. @@ I never let my schooling get in the way of my education. -- Mark Twain @@ I never loved another person the way I loved myself. -- Mae West @@ I once believed in causes too and had my pointless points of view. -- Billy Joel @@ I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas (fils) @@ I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk. -- John Huston @@ I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. -- William F. Buckley @@ I program, therefore I am. @@ I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it. @@ I refuse to belive that the creator playes dice with the universe. -- Albert Einstein @@ I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover @@ I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's ... @@ I saw what you did and I know who you are. @@ I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the wookiee win. @@ I survived catholic school. @@ I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine! -- Barry Goldwater @@ I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. -- Frank Zappa @@ I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not. But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -- Monty Python @@ I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar Wilde @@ I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. @@ I think, therefore I am paid. @@ I think, therefore I am. I think. @@ I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my lifetime. -- Johnny Legend @@ I think we're in trouble. @@ I used to think that I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. @@ I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. -- Ashleigh Brilliant @@ I want a new drug. - Huey Lewis and the News @@ I want life to be exceedingly psychedelic verging on the surreal. -- AJF @@ I want my MTV. -- Dire Straits @@ I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark Twain @@ I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach. -- Lucinda Childs (Philip Glass: Einstein On The Beach) @@ I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died. -- Steven Wright @@ I will make you shorter by the head. @@ I will never lie to you. @@ I will not forget you. @@ I wish they all could be California girls. @@ I wish you humans would leave me alone. @@ I would sooner be notorious than unknown. @@ I wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money. @@ I wouldn't mind dying - it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis @@ I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson @@ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. @@ I'd just as soon kiss a wookiee. @@ I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. @@ I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. @@ I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender. @@ I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door. @@ I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving" @@ I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. @@ I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. @@ I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about. @@ I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. @@ I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun, cause only the good die young. - Joel @@ I'll burn my books. @@ I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" @@ I'll have you know, sir, that I cannot be bought. However if you want to rent me for a while, well... @@ I'll never get off this planet. @@ I'll turn over a new leaf. @@ I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. @@ I'm carrying the weight of all the useless junk a modern man accumulates. - Joel @@ I'm caught between a Scylla and Charibdes. - Police @@ I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. @@ I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. -- George McGovern @@ I'm growing older, but not up. -- Jimmy Buffett @@ I'm in a New York State of mind. -- Billy Joel @@ I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate @@ I'm just a bad dream I had yesterday. - Tull @@ I'm lost between tomorrow and yesterday. - Kinks @@ I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any longer. -- Network @@ I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen @@ I'm not completly worthless, I can always serve as a bad example. @@ I'm not one of the guys, I'm a man. -- from "Say Anything" @@ I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. @@ I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. @@ I'm sorry I lost myself, I think I thought you were someone else. -- R.E.M. @@ I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them. -- Joe E. Lewis @@ I'm tired of predicting the future. Que' cera cera ! @@ I'm tired. @@ I'm trying to loose weight, but it keeps finding me. @@ I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" @@ I'm walking on sunshine and it's time to feel good. @@ I've been there. @@ I've broken every rule in the book, they have to write a new book. @@ I've come for an argument! @@ I've found that surving was a noble fight. -- Billy Joel @@ I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. @@ I've got a very bad feeling about this. @@ I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. @@ I've only got twelve cards. @@ I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head. -- George Wallace @@ I've seen so much worth dying for; So little worth killing over. -- Pat Benatar (To Long a Soldier) @@ IBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss. @@ IBM: excellence in mediocrity. @@ Ideas are much like children - your own are wonderful. @@ Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. @@ Idleness is leisure gone to seed. @@ Idleness is the holiday of fools. @@ If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least ten thousand to one. @@ If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. -- Roy Santoro @@ If A equals success, then the formula is: A= X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein @@ If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. Cheatham @@ If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. @@ If a man said to you, "a dog carried away your ear," would you go after the dog, or search first for your ear? @@ If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. @@ If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. @@ If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. @@ If a string has one end, it has another. @@ If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it will. Soon. @@ If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. @@ If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ If all else fails...lower your standards. @@ If all Stanford girls were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. @@ If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty @@ If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol @@ If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. @@ If anything can go wrong, it will. @@ If at first you don't succeed, give up; no use being a damn fool. @@ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. @@ If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. @@ If at first you don't succeed, try something else. @@ If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. @@ If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? @@ If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. -- Gerald Weinberg @@ If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. -- Alistair Cooke. @@ If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? @@ If everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane. @@ If fate throws a knife at you, there are two ways of catching it: by the blade, and by the handle. @@ If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. @@ If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. @@ If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. @@ If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. @@ If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin. @@ If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. @@ If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it. @@ If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets. @@ If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. @@ If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? @@ If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. -- Yiddish saying @@ If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. @@ If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? @@ If I cannot bend heaven, I shall move hell. @@ If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. -- Albert Einstein @@ If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. @@ If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. @@ If I learned from my mistakes then I'd be a genius. @@ If I listen, I have the advantage. If I speak, the others have it. @@ If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end. -- Bert Whitney @@ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? @@ If in doubt, make it sound convincing. @@ If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. @@ If it happens, it must be possible. @@ If it isn't broken, don't fix it. @@ If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. @@ If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. @@ If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. @@ If it wasn't for life, we'd all be dead! @@ If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. @@ If it wasn't for time everything would happen at once. @@ If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer. @@ If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. @@ If it's take out do you have to tip. @@ If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. @@ If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty. @@ If Jesus was a jew, why did he have a Puerto Rican name? @@ If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. @@ If life is a bowl of cherries then what am I doing in the pits. -- Bombeck @@ If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins @@ If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" @@ If love was meant to be easy, everbody would be in it. -- LJS @@ If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number. @@ If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. @@ If more than one person is responsible for a bug, no one is at fault. @@ If no one uses it, there's a reason. @@ If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged. @@ If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. -- Woody Allen @@ If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. @@ If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. @@ If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. @@ If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect then why practice. @@ If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? @@ If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. @@ If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. -- Vannevar Bush @@ If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong. @@ If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. @@ If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I @@ If something is confidential, it will be left in the copy machine. @@ If something's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well. @@ If the Aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. -- Stanley Garn @@ If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson @@ If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of. @@ If the king, at noonday, says it is night, behold the stars. @@ If the light serves to see, it also serves to be seen. @@ If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. @@ If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"? @@ If the prayers of dogs were answered, bones would rain from the sky. @@ If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by electricity. -- Samuel F. B. Morse @@ If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. -- Reverend Chichester @@ If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. @@ If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. @@ If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe @@ If there is no wind, row. @@ If things appear to be going well, you obviously have overlooked something. @@ If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. @@ If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad? @@ If this is time-sharing, give me my share right now. It's not time yet. @@ If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay the same? @@ If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? -- Lily Tomlin @@ If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed. @@ If we explode the atom bomb would they say that we were dumb. -- Police @@ If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy @@ If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. -- Marguerite Emmons @@ If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for once. @@ If you are an anvil you will suffer like an anvil. If you are a hammer you will strike like a hammer. @@ If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. @@ If you can survive death, you can problably survive anything. @@ If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. @@ If you can't fix it, feature it. @@ If you can't get them to listen to you any other way - tell them it's confidential. @@ If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -- Ashleigh Brilliant @@ If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S. Truman @@ If you continually give you will continually have. @@ If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? @@ If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. @@ If you don't get it, you don't got it. - Shultz @@ If you don't know what you want you'll probably get it. @@ If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. - Laurence J. Peter @@ If you don't know where you are going you can never get lost. @@ If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people. @@ If you don't say anything, you won't be called upon to repeat it. -- Calvin coolidge @@ If you don't watch it, you're going to catch something. @@ If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. @@ If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break. @@ If you get angry at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both. @@ If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin @@ If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce -- Winston Churchill @@ If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. @@ If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. @@ If you have to hate, hate gently @@ If you insist upon telling the truth you had better make it funny or people will kill you. @@ If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. @@ If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer @@ If you look like your passport photo you need the trip. @@ If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it! @@ If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your ability. @@ If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. @@ If you make yourself honey, the flies will eat you. @@ If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. @@ If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like. -- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol 12 No 4 p 416 @@ If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain @@ If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. @@ If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. @@ If you put it off long enough, it might go away. @@ If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. -- Snoopy @@ If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. @@ If you see an onion ring... ... answer it. @@ If you see him riding on a bamboo cane, say to him, "good health to your horse." @@ If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you. @@ If you suspect a person, don't employ them. @@ If you take a chance some good things may happen, some bad things may happens but if you don't take a chance nothing happens. @@ If you think education is expensive, you should try ignorance. @@ If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! @@ If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- Earl Wilson @@ If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard Nixon @@ If you think this fortune is confusing, then change one pig. @@ If you think you can drive a bargain - buy a second hand car. @@ If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today. @@ If you treat people right they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the time. @@ If you try to hard to find yourself you might get lost. -- Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years @@ If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. @@ If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead stuff. -- Dave Enyeart @@ If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. @@ If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means. -- Walt Kelly @@ If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. @@ If you wish, you will have an opportunity. @@ If you would be loved, love and be lovable. - Susan S. @@ If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. @@ If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. -- W. C. Fields @@ If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it. @@ If you're happy, you're successful. @@ If you're not afraid to face the music you may some day lead the band. @@ If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all. -- Spiro Agnew @@ If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. @@ If your bread is stale, make toast. @@ If your palm itches, it's a sign that you're going to get something - If your head itches, you've got it. @@ If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way. @@ Iffen it ain't broke, don't fix it. @@ Iffen it ain't cooked, don't serve it. @@ Ignorance is not innocence, but sin. -- Robert Browning @@ Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. -- Robert Burton @@ Ignorance of the law is no excuse - I wasn't aware of that! @@ Ignore previous fortune cookie. @@ Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, Et le momerade horgrave. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" @@ Imagination is more important than knowledge. -- A. Einstein @@ Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier @@ Imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism. @@ Immortality: A fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff @@ Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions....but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. @@ In a crisis, you will choose the worst possible course of action. @@ In a family argument, if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once! @@ In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. @@ In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. @@ In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. -- the Peter Principle @@ In all her first passion woman loves her lover, In all the others all she loves is love. -- Lord George Byron @@ In an undeveloped country don't drink the water; in a developed country don't breathe the air. @@ In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables. @@ In any human endeavor, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level. @@ In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. @@ In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. @@ In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better. @@ In charity there is no excess. @@ In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages. @@ In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson @@ In every real man is a child hidden that wants to play. -- Freidrich Nietzsche @@ In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. -- Mark Twain @@ In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present. @@ In my end is my beginning. @@ In natures infinite book of secrecy, a little I can read. -- Shakespeare @@ In order to be, never try to seem. @@ In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. @@ In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our symptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" @@ In space, no one can hear you fart. @@ In the beginning I was made. I didn't ask to me made. No one consulted me or considered my feelings in this matter. But if it brought some passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way through life's mournful jungle then so be it. - Marvin the Paranoid Android @@ In the days of old, When Knights were bold, And women were too cautious; Oh, those gallant days, When women were women, And men were really obnoxious... @@ In the desert one forgets everything; one remembers nothing anymore. @@ In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not there if you want to keep writing good code. -- Karl Lehenbauer @@ In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. @@ In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. -- Egyptian Book of the Dead @@ In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis @@ In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool - programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they describe. -- Fred Brooks, Jr. @@ In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. -- John Lilly @@ In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are prepared. -- Louis Pasteur @@ In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. @@ In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. -- Art Linkletter @@ In this fortune, the concluding three words. @@ In time we hate that which we often fear. -- Shakespeare @@ In walking a tiger, use a long stick. - Mao tse-tsung @@ In your eyes; The light the heat; In your eyes; I am complete... -- Peter Gabriel @@ Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. @@ Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence. @@ Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. @@ Indecision is the basis of flexibility. -- button at a Science Fiction convention. @@ Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. @@ Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice. -- Robert Green Ingersoll @@ Infinity is just time on an ego trip. - Lily Tomlin @@ Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. @@ Information is the inverse of entropy. @@ Ingrate: a man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. @@ Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. @@ Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. @@ Insert part "m" into notch "c" of part "f". @@ Inside every large problem, there is a small problem trying to get out. @@ Interchangable devices won't. @@ Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency. @@ Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Into a closed mouth no fly can enter. @@ INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. @@ Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. @@ Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors. -- T. H. Huxley @@ Is a sentence fragment a sentence fragment? @@ Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: That the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? @@ Is knowledge knowable, and how do we know? @@ Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? -- Ralph Emerson @@ Is there anything in the Universe more beautiful and protective than the simple complexity of a spider's web. -- Charlotte (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click] @@ Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! @@ Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? @@ Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. @@ It all started in a small 5000-watt radio station in Peoria. @@ It could be worse - it might be raining. @@ It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. -- Thomas Jefferson @@ It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. @@ It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. @@ It is a poor workman who blames his tools. @@ It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night. -- Willie Sutton @@ It is a wise father that knows his own child. @@ It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -- Alan Perlis @@ It is always the partner's fault. @@ It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. -- Voltaire @@ It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. @@ It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew W. Mathis @@ It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. -- Henry Allen @@ It is better to be a has been then one who never was. @@ It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but..it is better to be good than to be ugly. -- Oscar Wilde @@ It is better to copulate than never. @@ It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. @@ It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won. @@ It is better to have men ask why you have no statue, than why you have one. @@ It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but the result's the same. -- Mike Dennison @@ It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark @@ It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and failed. -- Motto of Jerks, Weenies and Losers everywhere @@ It is better to risk saving a guilty person than to condemn an innocent one. @@ It is better to try and fail than to do nothing and succeed. @@ It is better to wear out than to rust out. @@ It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. -- Mark Twain @@ It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt @@ It is difficult to believe that someone can differ from us and be right. @@ It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- R. Serling @@ It is difficult to prophesy, especially about the future. @@ It is difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. @@ It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys. @@ It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" @@ It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. @@ It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. @@ It is easier to fight for ones principles than to live up to them. -- Alfred Adler @@ It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. @@ It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. @@ It is easier to run down a hill than up one. @@ It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. @@ It is easy to carry on war with a spyglass. @@ It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. @@ It is fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life. @@ It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. -- Dolph Sharp @@ It is great cleverness to know how to conceal one's cleverness. -- La Rochefoucauld @@ It is hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the tuscaloosa. @@ It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. @@ It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. @@ It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody Allen @@ It is later than you think. @@ It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. @@ It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. @@ It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. @@ It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. -- Richard M. Nixon @@ It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river. -- Abraham Lincoln @@ It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal @@ It is not every question that deserves an answer. @@ It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. @@ It is now proven beyond doubt that smoking is the leading cause of statistics. - F. Knebel @@ It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. -- Voltaire @@ It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. @@ It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? @@ It is said the tongue has no bone, yet it crushes. @@ It is smart to pick your friends - but not to pieces. @@ It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" @@ It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions. -- Robert Bly @@ It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. @@ It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg @@ It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -- Hawkwind @@ It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65) @@ It is the wise bird who builds its nest in a tree. @@ It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while wolves remain on a differrent opinion. -- William Ralph Inge @@ It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. @@ It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. @@ It isn't work unless you'd rather be doing something else. @@ It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. @@ It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him. -- Arthur C. Clarke @@ It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. @@ It may be those who do most, dream most. @@ It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work. @@ It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new ones. -- Machiavelli @@ It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. @@ It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. @@ It seemed a little odd when the local cemetery raised the prices of its burial lots, and blamed it on the cost of living. @@ It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. @@ It takes a long time to understand nothing. -- Edward Dahlberg @@ It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile; be yourself no matter what they say. - Sting @@ It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling. -- R. Frost @@ It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. @@ It takes two to speak truth, - one to speak, and another to hear. -- Sallust @@ It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. @@ It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. @@ It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been always thus. - Dean Lattimer @@ It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. -- Hunter S. Thompson @@ It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. @@ It won't work. @@ It works better if you plug it in. @@ It would be illogical to assume that all conditions will remain stable. @@ It'll be just like beggars canyon back home. @@ It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson @@ It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwords. -- Charles Dodgson @@ It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about. @@ It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. @@ It's better to burn out than to fade away. @@ It's clever, but is it art? @@ It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! -- Macy's @@ It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff. @@ It's hard to be humble when you have an 80486. @@ It's hard to be humble when your perfect. @@ It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News @@ It's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra @@ It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. @@ It's money that matters. - Randy Newman @@ It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it, it goes in. -- Stolen by Michael Smargiassi @@ It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White @@ It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston @@ It's not even a nice place to visit. -- Fodor's Guide to Perv (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom window or outside your bedroom, period. -- Groucho Marx @@ It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. @@ It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen. @@ It's only impossible til' it's not. -- Jean-Luc Picard (from Star Trek: The Next Generation) @@ It's proper to be proper. @@ It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. @@ It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to explode. @@ It's so humid, you could poach an egg on the sidewalk. @@ It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. @@ It's the nexus of the crisis and the origins of the storm. Queenly flux, external light, or light that never warms. -- Blue Oyster Cult @@ It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. @@ Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. -- Oscar Wilde @@ Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves. -- Little Richard @@ Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. @@ Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying. @@ JCL is for lovers. @@ Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. @@ Jesus died for your sins; I'm dying for a little sin of my own. @@ Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. -- Michael O'Donohugh @@ Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. @@ Jimmy hoffa--please call home. @@ Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! @@ Joel...The man, the myth, the legend! -- The BBC @@ John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. -- Edward P. Morgan @@ Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. @@ Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. @@ Jones' First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. @@ Jones' motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. @@ Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. -- Southern California Oracle @@ Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you. @@ Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. @@ Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" @@ Just remember wherever you go there you are. - B.B. @@ Just to have it is enough. @@ Just when you think your winning the rat race, along come faster rats. @@ Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover @@ Justice: A decision in your favor. @@ Kalepa ta kala (naught without labor). @@ Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. @@ Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. @@ Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. @@ Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. @@ Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" @@ Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now...try to get something DONE! @@ Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." @@ Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. @@ Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. @@ Kill a commie for Christ! @@ Kilroy occupied these coordinates. @@ Kin: An affliction of the blood @@ Kindness can pluck the hairs out of a lion's mustache. @@ Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. @@ Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved. @@ Kiss a clinician today! @@ Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday. @@ Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. @@ Kisses are a better fate than wisdom. @@ Kitman's law: pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel. @@ Kix are for trids. @@ Klein bottle for rent, apply within. @@ Kleptomaniac: A rich thief. @@ Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. @@ Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry N. Camp @@ Knowledge is power. @@ Knowledge without common sense is folly. @@ Knowlegde comes but wisdom lingers. @@ Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" @@ La vache qui rit est jolie. (Laughing cows are pretty.) @@ Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. @@ Lack of skill dictates economy of style. -- Joey Ramone @@ Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything @@ Laetrile is the pits @@ Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. @@ Langsam's Laws: 1) Everything depends. 2) Nothing is always. 3) Everything is sometimes. @@ lanimret siht edisni deppart ma I !Pleh @@ Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. @@ Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for. -- Dave Barry @@ Last week I couldn't even spell engineer, now I are one. @@ Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. @@ Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. @@ Laugh when you can; cry when you must. @@ Laugh while you can, monkey-boy. -- Dr. Emilio Lizardo @@ Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. @@ Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. @@ Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. @@ Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. @@ Law stands mute in the midst of arms. @@ Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. @@ Lawyers are the only people who can write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief. @@ Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. @@ Lead on, Macduff! @@ Learn to pause--or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. @@ Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. @@ Least credible phrase # 1: "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." @@ Least credible phrase # 2: "Of course I'll respect you in the morning." @@ Least credible phrase # 3: "The check is in the mail." @@ Leave no stone unturned. @@ Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. @@ Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. @@ Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. @@ Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. @@ Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. @@ Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later. - Miles Davis @@ Let me take you a buttonhole lower. @@ Let me take you on a magic carpet ride. -- Steppen Wolf @@ Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. @@ Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us. -- militant religionists everywhere @@ Let us sit bent, but talk straight. @@ Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. @@ LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. Sevenoaks @@ Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. @@ Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. @@ LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. @@ Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. @@ Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. @@ Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. -- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan @@ Life is a banquet and most poor son of a bitches are starving out there...So live! -- Auntie Mame @@ Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. -- Ted Turner @@ Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit. -- David McCord @@ Life is a perpetual drunkeness. The pleasure passes, but the headache remains. @@ Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. - Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??) @@ Life is a rotten job and the hours are a bitch. @@ Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes; some will last and some will just be now and then. -- Billy Joel @@ Life is a series of rude awakenings. -- R. Van Winkle (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. @@ Life is an illusion and reality is a figment of the imagination. -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show @@ Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. @@ Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined. In fact, there are very few concepts that aren't. It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields. -- Daniel Kimberg @@ Life is just a bunch of Ziggys.. -- Life is just a bunch of Ziggys... by Tom Wilson @@ Life is just a party and parties weren't meant to last. - Prince @@ Life is just one thing after another. @@ Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. @@ Life is not one thing after another...it's the same damn thing over and over! @@ Life is one long struggle in the dark. @@ Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. @@ Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. @@ Life is too ridiculous for words!!! - A. D. @@ Life is wasted on the living. - Zaphod Beeblebrox IV @@ Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. @@ Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. @@ Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while you can miss it. -- Ferris Bueler in Ferris Bueler'ss Day Off @@ Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative. -- Peter da Silva @@ Life. Don't talk to me about life. -- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid @@ Life's a beach and then you drown. @@ Life's a bitch and then you die. @@ Life's a bitch and then you marry one. @@ Life's a bummer, you have to tune out once in a while to keep it interesting. @@ Life's the same, except for the shoes. -- The Cars @@ Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. @@ Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. -- Alan McKay @@ Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. @@ Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects. @@ Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. @@ Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. @@ Live free or die. @@ Live Free or Live in Massachusettes. @@ Live in the past and future only. @@ Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. @@ Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. @@ Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. @@ Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. @@ Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. @@ Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. @@ Login incorrect @@ Lonely is a man without love. @@ Lonely men seek companionship; lonely women sit home and wait. They never meet. @@ Long distance is the next best thing to being there. @@ Long life is in store for you. @@ Look afar and see the end from the beginning. @@ Look after the molehills and the mountains will take care of themselves. @@ Look ere ye leap. @@ Look out! Behind you! @@ Look, sir! 'Droids! @@ Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find. @@ Lord Falkland's rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. @@ Lord, what fools these mortals be! @@ Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" @@ Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. @@ Lost time is never found again. @@ Love and friendship exclude each other. -- La Bruyere @@ Love and pain only for the foolish, once again try to hide what's there inside. - P. Benatar @@ Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. @@ Love at first sight is easy to understand, It's when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle. -- Sam Levenson @@ Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. @@ Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. @@ Love is a angel disguised as lust. -- Bruce Springstein @@ Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. @@ Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash @@ Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. @@ Love is sentimental measles. @@ Love is space and time rendered sensible to the heart. -- M. Proust @@ Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken @@ Love may fail, but courtesy will previal. -- A Kurt Vonnegut fan @@ Love, pregnancy, and riding upon a camel cannot be hid. @@ Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach. @@ Love thy neighbor. Tune thy piano. @@ Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before me bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise. @@ Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. @@ LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. @@ Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. @@ Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes. @@ Lysistrata had a good idea. @@ MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts. -- Winston Churchill @@ Machines should work; people should think. @@ Machines take me by surprise with great frequency. -- Alan Turing @@ Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence... @@ Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. @@ Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. @@ Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. @@ Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. @@ Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. @@ Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. @@ Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. @@ Make a better friend of every man with whom you come in contact. -- Henry L. Doherty @@ Make a wish, it might come true. @@ Make new friends but keep the old ones; one is silver and the other's gold. @@ Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood. -- D. B. Hudson @@ Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert. @@ Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. @@ Man and wife make one fool. @@ Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde @@ Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde @@ Man is by nature a political animal. @@ Man is the hunter; woman is his game. -- Tennyson @@ Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain @@ Man, n.: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else, unless it is an enemy. -- A. Einstein @@ Man who bites bread or eats peas with knife is lost creature. @@ Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. @@ Man will never fly. Space travel is merely a dream. All aspirin is alike. @@ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on... -- Winston Churchill @@ Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. @@ Man's biggest fear: That there is no such things as PMS and that woman are like that all the time. -- R. Leffler @@ Man's ego is the fountainnhead of human progress. -- From Ayn Rand's Fountainhead @@ Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. @@ Manage with bread and butter 'til god brings the jam. @@ Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" @@ Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. -- Ray Simard @@ Many a family tree needs trimming. @@ Many a live wire would be a dead one if it were not for its connections. @@ Many a yo-yo think he have the world on a string. @@ Many are called, but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. @@ Many are called, few volunteer. @@ Many are cold, but few are frozen. @@ Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. @@ Many hands make light work. @@ Many pages make a crowded castle. @@ Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles which are on very very thin paper. @@ Many pages make a thick book. @@ Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. @@ Many receive advice, few profit by it. @@ Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday... -- Walt Kelly @@ Marke it welle: There are flowers, and there are weeds - But mostly weeds. Scott Orville Bergrn @@ Marraige has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. -- Samual Johnson @@ Marriage Ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family. -- O. C. Ogilvie @@ Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire @@ Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. @@ Marry not a tennis player. Love means nothing to her. @@ Mary had a little. @@ Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. @@ Mathematicians do it in theory. @@ Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. @@ Mathematicians take it to the limit. @@ Mathematics is the language god used to write the universe. @@ Matrimony is the root of all evil. @@ Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. @@ Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer @@ Max, as a unary function, isn't very interesting. @@ May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts @@ May a moody baby doom a yam. @@ May allah protect me from my friends; my enemies I can handle. @@ May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! @@ May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. @@ May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. @@ May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin @@ May you live in uninteresting times. @@ May your future be limited only by your dreams. -- Christa McAuliffe @@ May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. @@ Maybe computer science should be in the college of theology. @@ Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly because I may be going in the wrong direction. -- Ashleigh Brilliant @@ Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. @@ Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. @@ Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization." @@ McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. @@ Mckernan's maxim: Those who are unable to learn from past meetings are condemned to repeat them. @@ Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. @@ Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. @@ Meditation is not what you think. @@ Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. @@ Memories of you remind me of you. -- Karl Lehenbauer @@ Men cannot labor on always. They must have recreation. -- Orville Dewey @@ Men have many faults, women only two, everything they say and everything they do. @@ Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. @@ Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams @@ Men willingly believe what they wish. -- Julius Caesar @@ Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. @@ Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. @@ Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. @@ Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can ever hope to acquire it. @@ Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. @@ Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. @@ Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. @@ Message from outer space: "boogie boogie boogie!!!" @@ Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. @@ Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. @@ Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca. @@ Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. @@ Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx @@ Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx @@ Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black. -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" @@ Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. @@ Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. @@ Miracle: an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment. -- Webster's Dictionary @@ Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. -- Jean Cocteau @@ Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. @@ Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it. @@ Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. @@ Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. @@ Missionary position: The missionary on top. @@ Misster, do you vant to buy a duck. @@ Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. @@ Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. @@ Moderation in all things. @@ Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. @@ Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion... @@ Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing. @@ Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life @@ Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. @@ Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. @@ Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots. @@ Money is the root of all wealth. @@ Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. @@ Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. @@ Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. -- Thomas Jefferson @@ Money talks...but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye" @@ Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. @@ Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. @@ Moral: design before you implement. @@ More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. -- Woody Allen @@ Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but moses supposes erroneously. @@ Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. @@ Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards. -- Soren F. Petersen @@ Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa @@ Mother a weed, father a weed. Do you expect the daughter to be a saffron root? @@ Mother gonna help build the wall. - Floyd @@ Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. @@ Mr. Spock wears vulcanized rubbers. @@ Mr. Watson, come here, I want you. -- Alexander Graham Bell @@ MS-DOS must die! @@ Mum's the word. @@ Mumble jumble. @@ Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble! @@ Murphy's eighth law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. @@ Murphy's fifth law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. @@ Murphy's first law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. @@ Murphy's fourth law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. @@ Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. @@ Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. @@ Murphy's second law: Everything takes longer than you think. @@ Murphy's seventh law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. @@ Murphy's third law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time. @@ Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. @@ Must I hold a candle to my shames? @@ Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" @@ MVS may be slow, but it sure is hard to use. @@ My computer can beat up your computer. -- Karl Lehenbauer @@ My cup hath runneth'd over with love. @@ My dog has no nose. @@ My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. @@ My father told me, 'if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well'; that's why to this date, I haven't done anything. @@ My foolish parents taught me to read and write. @@ My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. @@ My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. @@ My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion. -- Sting @@ My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx @@ My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. @@ My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. @@ My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny our history, our capabilities. -- James A. Michener @@ My python boots were too tight. @@ My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. -- Albert Einstein @@ My, that was a tasty banana. @@ My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies @@ Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later....It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. @@ Nanu nanu! @@ NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. -- G. B. Shaw @@ Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. @@ Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. @@ Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. @@ Nature is very un-American. Nature never hurries. -- William George Jordan @@ Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. @@ Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. @@ Necessity has no law. @@ Necessity is a mother. @@ Necessity is the mother of invention. @@ Negative expectations yield negative results. @@ Neil armstrong tripped. @@ Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. @@ Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. @@ Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. @@ Never argue with a woman when she's tired--or rested. @@ Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon. @@ Never argue with your doctor - he has inside information. @@ Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance. -- Cal Keegan @@ Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. @@ Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. @@ Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. @@ Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. @@ Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water. @@ Never eat at a place called Mom's. @@ Never eat in a place with sliding doors unless you're crazy about raw fish. @@ Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning. -- Marlo Thomas @@ Never give a gun to ducks. @@ Never have a friend that's poorer then yourself. -- Douglas Jerrold @@ Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. @@ Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. -- Billy Rose @@ Never let a fool kiss you, or kiss a fool. @@ Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. @@ Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. @@ Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. @@ Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. @@ Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post" Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" @@ Never play cards with a man called doc. @@ Never play with doctor Tom. @@ Never promise more than you can perform. @@ Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely. @@ Never replace a successful experiment. @@ Never say anything more predictive than "watch this!" @@ Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. @@ Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. @@ Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself. @@ Never take No for an answer. -- John F. Mitchell @@ Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. @@ Never throw a bird at a dragon. @@ Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig. @@ Never turn your back on a frog. @@ Never underestimate a woman. @@ Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. @@ Never underestimate your own stupidity. @@ Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. -- R. A. Heinlein @@ New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. @@ New systems generate new problems. @@ New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary @@ New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. -- David Letterman @@ New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead @@ Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. @@ News Flash! Hell has just frozen over and pigs are now taking off from JFK. @@ Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. @@ Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. @@ Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. @@ Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as receiving a income tax refund. @@ Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity. @@ Nice guys get sick. @@ Nietzsche is pietzsche. @@ Nihilism doesn't exist. @@ Nihilism should commence with oneself. @@ Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em. -- Adapted from J.R.R. Tolkien @@ Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. @@ Ninety percent of baseball is half mental. -- Yogi Berra @@ No amount of cash is ever petty. @@ No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. @@ No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William Blake @@ No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. @@ No experiment is reproducible. @@ No generalization is true -- not even this one. @@ No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce @@ No it isn't! @@ No, it's 'Blessed are the meek.' I think that's nice, 'cause really they have a hell of a time. -- someone in the crowd in "The Life of Brian" @@ No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. @@ No man is rich enough to buy back his past. @@ No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. @@ No matter where you go on a bicycle, it will always be uphill and into the wind. @@ No one becomes depraved in a moment. @@ No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. @@ No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt @@ No one can put you down without your full cooperation. @@ No one ever went broke undersestimating the taste or intelligence of the American people. - H. L. Mencken @@ No one expects the Spanish inquisition! @@ No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. @@ No one is fit to be trusted with power. No one. Any man who has lived at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capable of. And if he does know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to decide a single human fate. -- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark @@ No one is listening until you make a mistake. @@ No one knows what he can do till he tries. @@ No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. @@ No one within an organization really knows what's going on. @@ No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. @@ No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. @@ No question is so difficult as that to which the answer is obvious. @@ No sooner said than done--so acts your man of worth. @@ No way. Nope. Forget it. Un-uh. Negatory. Not a chance. No. Not in a million years. @@ No writer's wife understands that he's working when he's staring out the window. @@ Nobody can be exactly like me, even I have trouble doing it. @@ Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. - K. Hubbard @@ Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. @@ Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. @@ Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. @@ Noncombatant: A dead Quaker. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. @@ None love the bearer of bad news. - Sophocles @@ Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. @@ Not all who own a harp are harpers. @@ Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... -- Woody Allen @@ Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free. @@ Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. @@ Nothing computes anymore. @@ Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. @@ Nothing endures but change. @@ Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. -- John Keats @@ Nothing ever goes away. @@ Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as well think of rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant. -- Edmund Burke @@ Nothing is as easy as it looks. @@ Nothing is but what is not. @@ Nothing is done until nothing is done. @@ Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. @@ Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. @@ Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -- Andrew Young @@ Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. @@ Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting. @@ Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known. @@ Nothing is so good as seems before hand. -- George Elliot @@ Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. -- Hassan I Sabbah @@ Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell @@ Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. @@ Nothing succeeds like excess. @@ Nothing will ever happen to you. @@ Nothing you can't spell will ever work. - Will Rogers @@ Nourish a waif and it will pick out your eyes. @@ November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. @@ Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. @@ Now I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line. -- Pat Benatar @@ Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. @@ Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. @@ Now is the time for all good men to come to. -- Walt Kelly @@ Now look me in the eye and tell me if you see a trace of fear. -- Joe Jackson @@ Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity; And reason coexist with our insanity. -- Billy Joel @@ Nowadays all married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors live like married men. -- Oscar Wilde @@ Nuclear war ... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III @@ Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. @@ Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. @@ O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? @@ O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero. @@ O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. @@ Occasionally you meet a person who thinks he's all seven wonders of the world. @@ Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. @@ Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. @@ Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. @@ Of all the forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. @@ Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. @@ Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst. -- Thomas Paine @@ Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? @@ Of course the game is rigged; but if you don't play, you can't win. @@ Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. @@ Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. @@ Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support rather than illumination. @@ Often, the best way of giving oneself what one lacks is to take from oneself what one has. @@ Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again. -- Marvin The Paranoid Android @@ Oh destiny, it pleases you to caress a few and molest others. @@ Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! @@ Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! @@ Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. @@ Oh - to be in L.A. When the polyethyl-vinyl trees are in bloom! -- Herb Gold @@ Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound. @@ Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. @@ Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. @@ Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman @@ Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman @@ Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. @@ Old age is the harbor of all ills. @@ Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. -- Trotsky @@ Old firemen never die - they just go to blazes. @@ Old Macdonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. @@ Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples. @@ Old programmers never die, they just become managers. @@ Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. @@ Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. @@ Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. @@ Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. @@ On a clear disk you can seek forever. @@ On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli @@ On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. @@ On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" @@ On the seventh day the programmer rested. @@ On the way to the corner, a dropped tool will land on your foot. @@ On y soit, qui mal y pense. (You are what you think.) @@ Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger can. @@ Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. @@ Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. @@ Once, adv.: Enough. @@ Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. @@ Once Law was sitting on the bench And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon you knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" "Amica curiae," she replied -- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- I never saw your face before!" -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Once the way to screw up a project is presented for consideration, it will invariably be accepted as the soundest solution. @@ Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away. @@ One bell system--it sometimes works. @@ One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing. @@ One can not hold two watermelon in one hand. @@ One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. @@ One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed. @@ One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. @@ One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. @@ One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim. -- Henry Brook Adams @@ One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. @@ One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. @@ One good turn deserves another. @@ One good turn gets the whole blanket. @@ One is never so happy or unhappy as one thinks. -- La Rochefoucauld @@ One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns. -- The Godfather @@ One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. @@ One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it. @@ One must deal openly and fairly with one's forces if maximum effectiveness is to be achieved. -- D. Vader (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. @@ One of the best automobile insurance policies is a sunday afternoon nap. @@ One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people. -- G. Khan (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. @@ One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we've been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We're no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. it is simply too painful to acknowledge -- even to ourselves -- that we've been so credulous. (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the new bamboozles rise.) -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987 @@ One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis @@ One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below. @@ One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. @@ One planet is all you get. @@ One reason so many folks never get to the top is that they never start from the bottom. @@ One reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do. @@ One should eat to live, not live to eat. -- Moliere @@ One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. -- Heinrich Heine @@ One thing in favor of a polka dot tie is that one more spot doesn't matter. @@ One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. @@ One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. @@ One who builds house of rock gets stonewalled. @@ One who fishes for marlin in ponds will put money in etruscan bonds. @@ One who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. @@ One who is too old to learn was probably always too old to learn. @@ One who weeps when sowing shall laugh when reaping. @@ One within us sets the alarm clock at night, and in the morning another within us awakens and says, "who the hell set that alarm?" @@ One's real life is often the life that one does not lead. @@ Only a fool has no doubts. @@ Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool -- tells the bald truth on social occasions. @@ Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. @@ Only fools are quoted. @@ Only those who respect the personality of others can be of real use to them. -- Albert Schweitzer @@ Only those with nothing to be sorry for smile back at the rear of an elephant. @@ Open up your door to a good day and prepare yourself for a bad one. @@ Opening night: the night before the play is ready to open. @@ Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings. @@ Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. -- Hal Hickman @@ Optimist is person who thinks he can break up traffic jam by blowing horn. @@ Optimist: A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. -- Ambrose Bierce Devil's Dictionary @@ Optimization hinders evolution. @@ Organization is the enemy of improvisation. @@ OS/2 must die! @@ Osborn's law: variables won't; constants aren't. @@ Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. @@ Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. @@ Our business is run on trust. We trust you will pay in advance. @@ Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. @@ Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. @@ Our life is fritted away by detail - simplify, simplify. -- Thoreau @@ Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, in kernel as it is in user... @@ Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries @@ Our swords shall play the orators for us. @@ Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. @@ Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read. @@ Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated. @@ Overweight is something that sort of snacks up on you. @@ Ozman's Laws: 1. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 3. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. @@ Palindrome isn't one. @@ Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you. @@ Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. @@ Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. -- D. J. Hicks @@ Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. @@ Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. @@ Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. @@ Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. @@ Parkinson's First law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. @@ Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. @@ Parkinson's Second law: Expenditures rise to meet income. @@ Parrigator: cross between an alligator and a parrot: if it wants a cracker, give it one. @@ Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. @@ Pascal is not a high-level language. -- Steven Feiner @@ Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. -- Eric Hoffer @@ Patch griefs with proverbs. @@ Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you. @@ Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. @@ Patience, my friend, is the key of paradise. @@ Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. @@ Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. @@ Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. @@ Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. @@ Peace, love, and prosperity ! @@ Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. @@ Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. @@ People are strange... -- The Doors @@ People can be divided into three groups : those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. @@ People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future. @@ People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none. @@ People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. @@ People who are grateful are usually good. @@ People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent. @@ People who can most afford to pay rent build equity. @@ People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. @@ People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. @@ People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. -- Ogden Nash @@ People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. -- Ogden Nash @@ People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. @@ People who think they know it all, are especially annoying to those who do. @@ People will buy anything that's one to a customer. @@ Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] -- Aelius Donatus @@ Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. @@ Perfection is acheived only on the point of collapse. -- C. N. Parkinson @@ Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle that they burned rome. @@ Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. -- Antoine De Saint-Exupery @@ Persons who would be placed outside the pale of society with contempt are not those who would be placed there by another culture. -- Ruth Benedict @@ Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. @@ Phasors locked on target, captain. @@ Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey. @@ Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. @@ Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. @@ Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. @@ Physician, bill thyself. @@ Physicists do it with charm @@ Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. @@ Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die. -- John W. Campbell @@ Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth. @@ Pittsburgh Driver's Test #8: Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. @@ Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein. @@ Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week. @@ Plasticism isn't everything, it can't wash the dog. - SW @@ Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. @@ Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth. -- Ashleigh Brilliant @@ Please ignore previous fortune. @@ Please leave the room immediately. @@ Please log in is just VM's way of saying "booga, booga!" @@ Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. Meyrowitz @@ Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure. -- Byron @@ PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. @@ PMS: Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. -- Lowell stone, M.D. 2144- @@ Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. @@ Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. @@ Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down. @@ Politeness is an inexpensive way of making friends. -- William Feather @@ Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. @@ Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. -- Martin Pitt @@ Politicians do it to everyone. @@ Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. -- Arthur C. Clarke @@ Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. @@ Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" @@ Positive expectations yield negative results. @@ Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. @@ Post no bills. @@ Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. @@ Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. @@ Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely. @@ Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. -- J. P. McEvoy @@ Practice is the best of all instructors. - Publilius @@ Practice yourself what you preach. @@ Praise the sea; on shore remain. @@ Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb @@ Predestination was doomed from the start. @@ Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels Bohr @@ Preserve the old, but know the new. @@ President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. @@ Presidential address..."Let me make myself perfectly transparent!" @@ Pressure is the normal force acting upon an engineer. @@ Pressure; - cosmic rational. -- Billy Joel @@ Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! @@ Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. @@ Probable-Possible, my black hen, She lays eggs in the Relative When. She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now Because she's unable to postulate how. -- Frederick Winsor @@ Procrastinators do it tomorrow. @@ Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. @@ Professional wrestling: ballet for the common man. @@ Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. @@ Programming department: mistakes made while you wait. @@ Progress consists of swapping old troubles for new. @@ Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. @@ Pronounce your prepositions, damn it! @@ Proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample. @@ Proof by cumbersome notation: Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols. @@ Proof by example: The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof. @@ Proof by exhaustion: An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful. @@ Proof by intimidation: 'Trivial'. @@ Proof by picture: A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission. @@ Proof by vigorous handwaving: Works well in a classroom or seminar setting. @@ Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days -- but left to itself it'll hang on for a week. @@ Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others. @@ Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it @@ Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. @@ Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead. @@ Prototype designs always work. @@ Pseudo-security is worse than no security at all. @@ Pssst. The root password is 'kumquat'. @@ Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it. @@ Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality. @@ Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the grand canyon and waiting for the echo. @@ Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad. @@ Purge complete. @@ Put it back quickly! Perhaps your theft will not be discovered. @@ Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. @@ Put people on hold when possible. @@ Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. @@ Put your dates in the honey pot, but don't sink it afterwards in the mud of the nile. @@ Put your genius into your life. Put only your talent into your work. @@ Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. @@ Put your trust in those who are worthy. @@ Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. @@ Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. @@ Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard? A: If all your trashcan liners are missing... @@ Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." @@ Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs! @@ Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. @@ Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them. @@ Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. @@ Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. @@ Q: What's Jewish foreplay? A: Two hours of begging. @@ Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. @@ Q's law: no matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant. @@ Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have. @@ Quazars shift red; hot stars burn blue; space is warped and so are you. @@ Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust? @@ Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! @@ Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work! @@ Quoth the raven "never mind." @@ QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. @@ Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. @@ Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. @@ Randel -- n. A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend. -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words @@ Rank has its privileges. @@ Rascality has limits; stupidity has not. - Napoleon @@ Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no- fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President @@ Raving beauty: the girl who finished second in a beauty contest. @@ Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker @@ Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. @@ Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience. @@ Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. -- Confucius @@ Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. @@ Real wealth can only increase. -- R. Buckminster Fuller @@ Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. @@ Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. @@ Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. @@ Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. @@ Reality is for those who lack imagination (or can't handle heavy drugs). @@ Reality is often inaccurate. -- Douglas Adams @@ Reality is the leading cause of stress. @@ Reality...What a Concept. -- Robin Williams @@ Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. @@ Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" @@ Recent investments will yield a slight profit. @@ Reclaimer, spare that tree! Take not a single bit! It used to point to me, Now I'm protecting it. It was the reader's CONS That made it, paired by dot; Now, GC, for the nonce, Thou shalt reclaim it not. @@ Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage. @@ Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. @@ Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. -- Lily Tomlin @@ Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best. -- Frank Zappa @@ Remember that "average" is simply the best of the poorest and the poorest of the best. @@ Remember that two wrongs do not make a right -- but that three lefts do. @@ Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. @@ Remember the Alamo. @@ Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. -- Frank Zappa @@ Remember to say hello to your bank teller. @@ Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. @@ Remembering is for those who have forgotten. @@ Render unto Caesar if line 54 is larger than line 62. @@ Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. @@ Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Reputation: what others are not thinking about you. @@ Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has. @@ Resist everything but temptation. @@ Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on. @@ Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. @@ Retribution will be yours. @@ Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals - Oh, Lucky Man. @@ Riches cover a multitude of woes. @@ Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention: Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. @@ Rome was not built in one day. @@ ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. @@ Rotate left! Rotate right! Push on, pop off, byte, byte, byte! @@ Rotten wood cannot be carved--Confucius (analects, book 5, ch. 9) @@ Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. @@ Rule of Creative Research: 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. @@ Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. @@ Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. @@ Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. @@ Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. @@ Rules for driving in New York: 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection. @@ Rules for economy in research: 1--deny the last established truth on the list; 2--add yours; 3--pass the list. @@ RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 2. Never leave the table hungry. 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 4. Enjoy your food. 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. hich feels better against your cheeks? 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can always eat it later. 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11. Avoid blue food. -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" @@ Rumor writes faster than truth can erase. @@ Rumor: Dr. Pepper is carbonated prune juice. @@ Rumor: Someone once found out that the red dye in red M&M's are an aphrodisiac. The government ordered that most be removed, if you find any, save them. @@ Rumor: The main ingredient in tooth-paste is sugar. @@ Rumor: The movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" was a documentary. @@ Run in circles, scream and shout. @@ Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics. @@ Russia has abolished god, but so far god has been more tolerant. @@ Sad songs say so much. -- Elton John @@ Safety is better than the wrong answer. @@ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 6. People ignore you at parties. 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. @@ Said a swinging young chick named Lyth. Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." @@ Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent. -- George Orwell @@ Salary is no object: strive only to keep body and soul apart. @@ San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen @@ San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. @@ Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -- Arlo Guthrie @@ Sassoon: a cross between a sasquatch and a baboon, that lurks in suburbs at night styling women's hair. @@ Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. @@ Satire is what closes in new haven. @@ Sattinger's law: It works better if you plug it in. @@ Save gas, don't eat beans. @@ Save the alligators--eat a preppy. @@ Save the whales. Collect the whole set. @@ Say a word out of line and the friends that you have are gone forever. -- Billy Joel @@ Say the secret woid and the duck is yours. @@ Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. @@ Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure. @@ Schizophrenia beats being alone. @@ Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. -- Ashley Montague @@ Science is organized knowledge. -- Herbert Spencer @@ Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. @@ Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man. @@ Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. @@ Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. @@ Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. @@ Scotty: she'll nae take much more of this captain! @@ Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. @@ Sculpture: mud pies that endure. @@ Sears has everything. @@ Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. @@ Second programming postulate: Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered. @@ Second-rate people hire third-rate people. @@ Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -- Helen Keller @@ Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem @@ Seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come. @@ Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! @@ Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault. @@ Sell short. @@ SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. @@ Send lawyers, guns and money... -- Warren Zevon @@ Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. @@ Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. @@ Set the cart before the horse. @@ Sevareid's law: the chief cause of problems is solutions. @@ Sex causes cancer. We'd wipe out cancer in one generation if no one had sex. @@ Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. @@ Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any. @@ Sex is like snow...You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. @@ Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. @@ Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed. @@ Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. -- Woody Allen @@ Shanahan's law: the length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. @@ Share and enjoy. @@ Share your happiness with others today. @@ Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased. @@ Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. @@ She generally gave herself very good advice (though she seldom followed it.) -- Lewis Carrol @@ She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. -- Gypsy Rose Lee @@ She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. -- Mark Twain @@ She loves you as much as she can, which is not very much. @@ She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could have poured on a waffle. @@ She who hesitates is won. @@ She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. @@ Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. -- Samuel Johnson @@ Shine on, you crazy diamond! -- Pink Floyd @@ Shit happens -- a T-Shirt @@ Short circuits got no reason to live. @@ Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. -- Martin Mull @@ Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. -- Vince Lombardi, football coach @@ Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. @@ Show respect for age. Drink good scotch for a change. @@ Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. @@ Show your appreciation for your lover by surprising him/her with a small gift. @@ Shower the people you love with your love. @@ Shower the people you love with your love. Shower with the people you love. @@ Si six scies scient six saucissions, six cent six scies scieront six cent six saucissions. (If 6 saws saw 6 sausages, 606 saws will saw 606 sausages. @@ Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. @@ Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry. @@ Sign in a department store: "Make this a Christmas you won't forget - charge everything". @@ Sign in a marriage counsellor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over". @@ Sign in an antique shop: "Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away". @@ Sign in microbiology lab door: Staph Only @@ Sign in restaurant: This work is coming to pizzas. @@ Sign on a garbage truck: Our business is picking up. @@ Sign on a landscape truck: "We just keep rolling a lawn". @@ Sign up now for the summarizing Proust competition! @@ Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet @@ Silence is more eloquent than words. -- Thomas Carlyle @@ Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone. -- G. B. Stearn @@ Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. @@ Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. @@ Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex. @@ Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. @@ Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe @@ Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. @@ Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the Pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. @@ Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. @@ Skip's lament: given any problem containing n equations, there will be n+1 unknowns. @@ Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. @@ Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. @@ Small change can often be found under seat cushions. @@ Small is beautiful. @@ Small things make base men proud. @@ Smile is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it in one spot. @@ Smile it makes people wonder what your up to. @@ Smile...Tomorrow will be worse! @@ Smile! You're on candid camera. @@ Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" @@ Snow and adolescence are the only problems that go away if ignored long enough. @@ Snow day - stay home. @@ So eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow it will cost more. @@ So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell @@ So live that your friends can defend you, but never have to. -- Arnold Glasow @@ So long and thanks for all the fish. -- Douglas Adams @@ So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. @@ So you're back. @@ Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being. @@ Society is a mule, not a car; if pressed harder, it will kick and throw you off. @@ Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. @@ Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. @@ Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human construct because no two parts are alike. If they are, we make the two similar parts into a subroutine -- open or closed. In this respect, software systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where repeated elements abound. -- Fred Brooks, Jr. @@ SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts. @@ Some love is just a lie of the heart, the cold remains of what began with a passionate start. -- Billy Joel @@ Some love is just a lie of the mind, it's make believe until it's only a matter of time. -- Billy Joel @@ Some love is just a lie of the soul, a constant battle for the ultimate state of control. -- Billy Joel @@ Some men are discovered; others are found out. @@ Some men are not fools, they stayed bachelors. @@ Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Joseph Heller @@ Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. @@ Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing. @@ Some people have one of those days. I have one of those lives! @@ Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children. I would prefer to achieve it by not dying. -- Woody Allen @@ Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. @@ Some people know how to live everybody else's life but their own. @@ Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. -- Gordon R. Dickson @@ Some people pay so much attention to their reputation that they lose character. @@ Some people spend their lives traveling the world over... Only to find happiness lies right in their own back yard... ...Mine just has a big puddle from last nights' rain!! -- Ziggy @@ Some people think they are generous because they give away free advice. @@ Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" @@ Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. @@ Some things have to be believed to be seen. @@ Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. @@ Somedays I lose everything except my sense of humor. @@ Somehow, somewhere along the line, this town lost its pride. @@ Someone close to you is taking advantage of your trust. @@ Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual! @@ Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. @@ Someone needs your love. @@ Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. @@ Someone will try to honk your nose today. @@ Something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain (on a classic) @@ Something wicked this way comes. -- Shakespeare @@ Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. @@ Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud @@ Sometimes a fantasy is all you need. -- Billy Joel @@ Sometimes a fool gets lucky and wins. -- Scandal @@ Sometimes bad is bad. - Huey Lewis and the News @@ Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. @@ Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. @@ Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin @@ Sometimes insanity is the only alternative. -- button at a Science Fiction convention. @@ Sometimes, too long is too long. -- Joe Crowe @@ Somewhere in the quisling clinic there's a shorthand typist taking seconds of her minutes. @@ Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl Sagan @@ Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. @@ Sorry, no fortune this time. @@ Sorry. Nice try. @@ Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy @@ Space, the final frontier. - NCC1701 @@ Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. @@ Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. @@ Spend enough time confirming the need and the need will disappear. @@ Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. @@ Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" @@ Spock: we suffered 23 casualties in that attack, captain. @@ Sqrt(3) = 2 (for large values of 3) @@ Squange: cross between a squid and a sponge; makes good, self-inking stamp pads. @@ Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. @@ Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. @@ Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. @@ Statisticians probably do it. @@ Statistics are no substitute for judgement. @@ Stay away from flying saucers today. @@ Stay away from hurricanes for a while. @@ Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. -- Pink Floyd @@ Stealing a rhinoceros should not be taken lightly. -- Alan Perlis @@ Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. @@ Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. @@ Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. @@ Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. @@ Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath ... @@ Strike while the iron is hot. @@ Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward. @@ Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud. @@ Success covers a multitude of blunders. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you started. @@ Success lies in achieving the top of the food chain. -- Jubal Harshaw @@ Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue. -- Seneca @@ Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. @@ Such evil deeds could religion prompt. @@ Sucks syntax. @@ Supercompetence is more objectionable than incompetence. @@ Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! @@ Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association @@ Support your local church. Worship at bank of America. @@ Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? @@ Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. -- Richard M. Nixon @@ Surprise due today. Also the rent. @@ Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. @@ Survival of the species is everyone's business. @@ Swap read error, you lose your core image. @@ Swap read error. You lose your mind. @@ Sweer's impossibility theorem: Nothing can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time. @@ Sweet April showers do spring may flowers. @@ Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. @@ Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. @@ Tact is rubbing out another's mistake instead of rubbing it in. @@ Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. @@ Tact is the art of telling people to go to hell and at the same time making them glad they're going. @@ Tact is the unsaid part of what you're thinking. @@ Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. @@ Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. @@ Take care, the sleep of nonexistance will overtake you at last, for the coming and going of the breath is but the rocking of the cradle. @@ Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. @@ Take it easy, we're in a hurry. @@ Take my advice. I'm not using it. @@ Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. -- Kipling @@ Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve ... -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" @@ Take what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. @@ Take what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken Kesey @@ Take your dying with some seriousness. However, laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul @@ Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. @@ Talkers are no good doers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" @@ Talking cats often speak nonsense. @@ Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche @@ Tallulah Bankhead barged down the nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. @@ Tanstaafl. @@ Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." -- Russell Long @@ Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. @@ Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government. @@ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. @@ Television? The word is half Latin and half Greek, no good can come of it. -- C.P. Scott @@ Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you...Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. @@ Tell the truth and run. - Yugoslav proverb @@ Temper is what gets most of us into trouble - pride is what keeps us there. @@ Tempt not a desperate man. @@ Ten dervishes can sleep under one blanket, but two kings can not find room in one empire. @@ Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. Geis @@ Tense up. (from the book of Bob.) @@ Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. -- A. E. Housman @@ Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. @@ Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. -- J. Finnegan, USC. @@ Thank you for observing all safety precautions. @@ That is the key to history. Terrific energy is expended -- civilizations are built up -- excellent institutions devised; but each time something goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top, and then it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the machine conks. It seems to start up all right and runs a few yards, and then it breaks down. -- C. S. Lewis @@ That just the way it is. -- Bruce Hornesby @@ That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. -- Thoreau @@ That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. @@ That secret you've been guarding, isn't. @@ That that is is not that that is not. @@ That's a horse and egg problem. @@ That's core for the parse. @@ That's one small step for a man, One giant leap for mankind. -- N. Armstrong @@ That's so funny I forgot to laugh. @@ That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers. -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" @@ The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. @@ The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. @@ The agony of delete. @@ The air of heaven is that which blows between the horse's ears. @@ The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office. @@ The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. @@ The author should gaze at Noah, and ... learn, as they did in the Ark, to crowd a great deal of matter into a very small compass. -- Sydney, Smith, Edinburgh Review @@ The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. @@ The barking of dogs does not affect the clouds. @@ The basis of optimism is sheer terror. @@ The bear knew nine songs. All were on honey. @@ The beard of the guest is in the hand of the owner of the house. @@ The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. @@ The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by judging things by their price. @@ The best fighting is against yourself. @@ The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back. -- Abigail Van Buren @@ The best prophet of the future is the past. @@ The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. @@ The best way to inspire yourself to do housework is to promise yourself you'll get to stop! @@ The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. @@ The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd that's going somewhere and get in front of them. @@ The better part of valor is discretion. @@ The bigger the theory, the better. @@ The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else. @@ The biggest nuts are those which are empty. @@ The biscuits and the syrup never come out even. - Lazerous Long @@ The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. @@ The bozos are coming. @@ The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. @@ The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in public. @@ The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. @@ The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. @@ The camel driver has his plans, and the camel has his. @@ The camel never sees its own hump, but that of its brothers is always before its eyes. @@ The candle is put into the lantern and the moth is left outside fluttering. @@ The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. @@ The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic. @@ The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. @@ The clothes have no emperor. -- C. A. Hoare, about Ada. @@ The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows. -- Frank Zappa @@ The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. @@ The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis @@ The concept of progress acts a a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. -- from "Collected Sayings of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan @@ The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -- Lazarus Long @@ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. @@ The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. @@ The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the contry demands bold, persistent experimentation. -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt @@ The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty @@ The Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775 @@ The CS Sage says: Seek new employment prior to the imposition of performance penalties on your project. @@ The dawn does not come twice to awake a man. @@ The day has its eyes, the night has its ears. @@ The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. @@ The decision doesn't have to be logical, it is unanimous. @@ The descent to hades is the same from every place. @@ The devil can cite scripture for his purpose. @@ The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. @@ The devil takes one and makes two. A saint takes two and makes one. @@ The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that the science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholorship. -- Robert Heinlein @@ The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. @@ The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. @@ The disks are getting full; purge a file today. @@ The dog that trots about finds a bone. @@ The dogma of the Ghost in the Machine. -- Gilbert Ryle @@ The dogs may bark, but the caravan passes on. @@ The Drea law: under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. @@ The dung hill must make itself smelt before we can breathe the perfume of the flowers. @@ The early worm gets the bird. @@ The early worm has a death wish. @@ The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. @@ The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time spent on deliberations. @@ The eleventh commandment: thou shalt not committee. @@ The emperor has no clothes. @@ The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. -- Buckminster Fuller @@ The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. - Ralph Waldo Emerson @@ The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. -- G. B. Shaw @@ The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man is and will always be a wild animal. -- Charles Galton Darwin @@ The existence of god implies a violation of causality. @@ The fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. Ogborn @@ The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order of space and time. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge @@ The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. @@ The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. -- Roger Levian @@ The fellow who is a good sport has to lose to prove it. @@ The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. @@ The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman @@ The first myth of management is that it exists. @@ The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich @@ The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson @@ The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. @@ The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. @@ The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. @@ The fish in the trap begin to think. @@ The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. - Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month @@ The flush toilet is the basis of western civilization. - Alan Coult @@ The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists. -- Dave Barry @@ The force is looking for a few good people. @@ The fourth law of computing: on a slow day, you can wait forever. @@ The fourth law of thermodynamics: The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum. @@ The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the sole test of the validity of any idea is experiment. -- Richard P. Feynman @@ The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge. -- Albert Einstein @@ The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors. @@ The future is bright in affairs of the heart. @@ The future is not what it used to be. (It never was.) @@ The future lies ahead. @@ The game does not always go to the strongest. Sooner or later, he who believes he can win, will. @@ The geeks shall inherit the earth. -- Karl Lehenbauer @@ The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. @@ The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. @@ The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. @@ The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. @@ The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. @@ The golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rules. @@ The good ol' days weren't always good and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems. - Joel @@ The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion. -- George Washington @@ The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. -- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States) @@ The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. @@ The greatest programming project of all took six days; on the seventh day he rested. We've been trying to debug the damn thing ever since. @@ The greatest remedy for anger is delay. @@ The greatest thing anyone can give is not his life but his love. @@ The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace. -- Holly Near @@ The hand that kindles cannot quench the flame. @@ The hand that you cannot bite, kiss. @@ The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein @@ The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. @@ The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. @@ The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. @@ The heart is wiser than the intellect. @@ The heart of the fool is in his mouth. The mouth of the wise man is in his heart. @@ The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. The honeymoon is that short period of doting between dating and debting. @@ The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, preserved their neutrality. -- Dante @@ The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen Smith @@ The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. @@ The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain @@ The hypothesis: Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the critical pivots around which every project's management revolves. These are the manager's chief personal tools. - Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month @@ The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. @@ The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. -- Henry Kissinger @@ The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of things. - Laurence J. Peter @@ The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King @@ The ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. @@ The intellect is always fooled by the heart. -- La Rochefoucauld @@ The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group. @@ The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" @@ The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. @@ The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even. @@ The Killer Ducks are coming!!! @@ The Killer Ducks are coming!!! @@ The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints ... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker @@ The last person who said that, god rest his soul, lived to regret it. @@ The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. -- Blaise Pascal @@ The last vestiges of the old republic have been swept away. @@ The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -- Anatole France @@ The law of selective gravity (the buttered side down law): an object will fall so as to do the most damage. @@ The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. @@ The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of progress. @@ The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the greater their productivity. -- Richard F. Moore @@ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. @@ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. @@ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. @@ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. @@ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. @@ The lesser of two evils -- is evil. -- Seymour (Sy) Leon @@ The life of a repo man is always intense. @@ The life which is unexamined is not worth living. @@ The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train. @@ The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. @@ The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody Allen @@ The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. -- Henry Kissinger @@ The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. @@ The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. @@ The main problem with old age is that you don't grow out of it. @@ The main thing is the play itself. I swear that greed for money has nothing to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money. -- Feodor Dostoyevsky @@ The majority is never right. - Lazerous Long @@ The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. -- Albert Einstein @@ The man who carries a water skin with holes in it, finds it leaks down his back. @@ The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than thr crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt @@ The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. @@ The man who is too old to learn was probably always too old to learn. @@ The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. @@ The man who runs may fight again. @@ The man who wears his pants out before his shoes makes contact in the wrong places. @@ The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. -- William Stekel @@ The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. @@ The medium is the message. -- Marshall McLuhan @@ The meek are contesting the will. @@ The meek shall inherit the earth but not the mineral rights. -- J.P. Getty @@ The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. @@ The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us will go to the stars. @@ The mice voted to bell the cat. - Aesop @@ The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. @@ The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out. -- Tenessee Williams @@ The moon is made of green cheese. @@ The moon looks on many flowers; the flowers see but one moon. @@ The moon shines in the absence of the sun. Do not strike a rail with your fist nor mistake the sun for the puff of a candle. @@ The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu @@ The more the merrier. @@ The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. @@ The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right. @@ The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. -- Andy Warhol @@ The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." -- Isaac Asimov @@ The most harmful error has not yet been discovered in your program. @@ The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. @@ The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is. -- Narciso Yepes @@ The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. -- Albert Einstein @@ The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. -- H. P. Lovecraft @@ The most valuable gift you can give another is a good example. @@ The most wonderful thing in the world is the success of a fool and the failure of a wise man. @@ The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. @@ The multitude is always wrong. -- Wenworth Dillon, Earl of Roscommon @@ The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! @@ The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! @@ The nearer to the church, the further from god. @@ The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again. @@ The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again. @@ The next six days are dangerous. @@ The nice thing about modern music is if the musicians make a mistake it doesn't make any difference. @@ The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum @@ The noble secret of laughing at oneself is the greatest humor of all. @@ The nose knows. @@ The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. @@ The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. @@ The obvious answer is always overlooked. @@ The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." @@ The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. @@ The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. -- Oscar Wilde @@ The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. @@ The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office. @@ The one who dies with the most toys wins! @@ The one who does the least work will get the most credit. @@ The only cure for love is marriage. @@ The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is in the way you use them. @@ The only man who should not be judged by the company he keeps is a warden. - Laurence J. Peter @@ The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't. -- Ernest Rutherford @@ The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest. @@ The only rose without thorns is friendship. @@ The only sure thing about luck is that it will change. @@ The only thing constant is change. @@ The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. -- Edmund Burke @@ The only thing that I'm sure of is my growing sense of uncertainty. @@ The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're done. @@ The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down. -- H.L. Mencken @@ The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Fisher Party Peanut commercial @@ The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it. -- Brian Kernighan @@ The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue. @@ The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. @@ The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr @@ The optamist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears that this is true. - James Cabell @@ The other line moves faster. @@ The palm of one's hand does not eclipse the sun. @@ The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) @@ The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of course you never do. -- Gregory Bateson @@ The pen is mightier than the pencil. @@ The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home. @@ The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. @@ The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. @@ The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. -- Dizzy Dean @@ The plural of spouse is spice. @@ The porcupine, whom one must handle gloved, may be respected, but never loved. -- Arthur Guiterman @@ The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of the Force. -- Darth Vader @@ The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Ogden Nash @@ The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Ogden Nash @@ The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. -- James Baldwin @@ The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. @@ The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. @@ The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" @@ The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. -- Glaser and Way @@ The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought-stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the imagination. Few media of creation are so flexible, so easy to polish and rework, so readily capable of realizing grand conceptual structures. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month @@ The proof of the pudding is in the eating. @@ The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac @@ The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -but thats the way to bet. -- Damon Runyon @@ The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful -- Frederick Locker-Lampson "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" @@ The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. @@ The rat race is over; the rats won. @@ The real test in golf and in life is not keeping out of the rough, but in getting out after you are in. @@ The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. @@ The reason that worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. @@ The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ The revolution will not be televised. @@ The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson @@ The rhythm is gonna get you... -- Gloria Estefan & the Miami Sound Machine @@ The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die. @@ The richest people are not the ones who still have the first dollar they ever made but are the people who still have their first friend. @@ The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. @@ The ripest fruit falls first. @@ The road to hades is easy to travel. @@ The road to hell is paved with nand gates. @@ The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. @@ The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had been obliged to first learn Latin. @@ The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number orgive 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. @@ The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: 1. They all had moderate appetites. 2. They all came from middle class homes 3. All but two of them were dead. @@ The secret to winning the support of large groups of people is positive thinking. -- N. Bonaparte (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends. @@ The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction. @@ The simplest pleasures in life are free @@ The six steps in a project: 1) unbounded enthusiasm 2) total disillusionment 3) panic!! 4) Frantic search for the guilty 5) punishment of the innocent 6) promotion of the uninvolved. @@ The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. @@ The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble acturiety and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy...neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. @@ The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. @@ The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. -- Ed Bluestone @@ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! @@ The Split-Atom Blues: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom @@ The star of riches is shining upon you. @@ The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda @@ The statement below is true. The statement above is false. - Paradox @@ The steady state of disks is full. --Ken Thompson @@ THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK - In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt... -- Rico Tudor @@ The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever. @@ The sublime is close to the ridiculous. -- Napolean @@ The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. -- Lewis Carroll @@ The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire @@ The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself. -- Victor Hugo @@ The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict. @@ The system is not quite as rickety as I have been telling you. -- Ralph Gorin. @@ The tar pit of software engineering will continue to be sticky for a long time to come. One can expect the human race to continue attempting systems just within or just beyond our reach; and software systems are perhaps the most intricate and complex of man's handiworks. The management of this complex craft will demand our best use of new languages and systems, our best adaptation of proven engineering management methods, liberal doses of common sense, and ... humility to recognize our fallibility and limitations. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month @@ The thing most people want to know are usually none of their business. @@ The things I did not know at first I learned by doing twice. -- Billy Joel @@ The things in life you can't forget are the ones you hadn't planned for. @@ The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. @@ The Three laws of thermodynamics: First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. @@ The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction. @@ The time is right to make new friends. @@ The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. @@ The trick is to be nice to people until you're rich - then people will be nice to you. @@ The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. @@ The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do. @@ The trouble with burning the candle at both ends is that you always get caught in the middle. @@ The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. -- Walt West @@ The trouble with people who talk too fast is that they often say something they haven't thought of yet. @@ The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. @@ The truth is one thing that nobody will believe. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. @@ The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. -- Ogden Nash @@ The two great tragedies in life: not getting what one wants and getting it. @@ The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. -- Oscar Wilde @@ The unexamined life is not worth living. -- Socrates @@ The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. @@ The universe is all a spinoff of the big bang. @@ The universe is laughing behind your back. @@ The universe is sacred. You cannot improve it. If you try to change it you will ruin it. If you try to hold it, you will lose it. @@ The unnatural, that too is natural. -- Goethe @@ The upkeep of woman is the downfall of man. @@ The urge to destroy is also a creative urge. - Bakunin @@ The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar @@ The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. @@ The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults. -- Peter De Vries @@ The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are perpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust. -- Lawrence Dalzell @@ The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. @@ The victories of yesterday are less important than the plans for tomorrow. @@ The voters have spoken, the bastards ... @@ The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. -- Alexander Haig @@ The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. -- Nathaniel Howe @@ The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. @@ The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune. @@ The weather on the west coast is especially nice this time of century. @@ The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. @@ The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. -- Wavy Gravy @@ The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. -- Bertrand Russell @@ The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. @@ The whole world is about three drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart @@ The wisdom of Bob will get me through this course ... School ... Job ... Life. @@ The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. @@ The world does not require so much to be informed as to be reminded. @@ The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. @@ The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of dirt. @@ The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. @@ The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! @@ The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! @@ The world is no nursery. -- Sigmund Freud @@ The world isn't worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better. @@ The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls. -- Father Robert F. Capon @@ The world wants to be deceived. @@ The worst form of failure is the failure to try. @@ The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship. -- Francis Bacon @@ The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. @@ The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience. @@ Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. @@ Then rested he by the tumtum tree, and stood awhile in thought. And as in uffish thought he stood. . . @@ There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. (Tanstaafl - R. Heinlein) @@ There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. -- Winston Churchill @@ There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so. @@ There are fortunes that mention the word 'umbrella' for no apparent reason. @@ There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce @@ There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend. @@ There are moments when art attains almost to the dignity of manual labor. @@ There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses. @@ There are more old drunkards than old doctors. @@ There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. -- Shakespeare @@ There are more ways into the woods than out. @@ There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. @@ There are no bugs, only unrecognized features. @@ There are no games on this system. @@ There are no saints, only unrecognized villains. @@ There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. -- Gloria Steinem @@ There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all? @@ There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. -- Heisenberg @@ There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. -- Disraeli @@ There are three kinds of people in this world.... Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those that wonder what happened. @@ There are three things I have always loved and never understood art, music, and women. @@ There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself. Hire someone. Forbid your kids to do it. @@ There are two instruments worse than a clarinet. Two clarinets. @@ There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it. 2) The rest of us. @@ There are two kinds of people in this world, those who divide people into two groups and those who don't. @@ There are two sides to every question and if you want to be popular, you'll take both. @@ There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare @@ There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. @@ There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry Kissinger @@ There cannot be two stallions in the same small stall of camels. @@ There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. @@ There is a bear following you around. @@ There is a correlation between the creative and the screwball. So we must suffer the screwball gladly. - Kingman Brewster @@ There is a great discovery still to be made in literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do not write. @@ There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy @@ There is a time in the tides of men, Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. On the other hand, don't count on it. -- T. K. Lawson @@ There is always an easier way to do it. @@ There is always one more bug. @@ There is always some levity even in excellent minds; they have wings to rise, and also to stay. -- Joseph Joubert @@ There is always someone worse off than yourself. @@ There is always something new out of Africa. @@ There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong. @@ There is an exception to all laws. @@ There is an infinite number of describable functions, which are not effectively computable. -- N. Jones (Computability theory note: this contradicts the oft stated maxim "if a function can be defined, it can be programmed.") @@ There is danger in delaying, good fortune in acting. @@ There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. -- Arthur C. Clarke @@ There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even highly probable. -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 @@ There is life after death: in Cleveland, people are still allowed to vote. @@ There is much Obi-wan did not tell you. @@ There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. @@ There is news. @@ There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race. -- Alfred North Whitehead @@ There is no devil; it's god when he's drunk. @@ There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain @@ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. @@ There is no fool to the old fool. @@ There is no greater sorrow than to recall a time of happiniss in misery. -- Dante @@ There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. @@ There is no indigestion worse than that which comes from having to eat your own words. @@ There is no place like this place, anywhere near this place, so this must be the place. @@ There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. -- Shick's law @@ There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. @@ There is no remedy for sex but more sex. @@ There is no royal road to geometry. @@ There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it -- G. B. Shaw @@ There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. @@ There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. -- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3. @@ There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. @@ There is no such thing as a little garlic. @@ There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. @@ There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. @@ There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. @@ There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy. -- Swift @@ There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. @@ There is nothing more respectable than an ancient evil. @@ There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. @@ There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know yet. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way. -- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry @@ There is nothing so easy that it does not become difficult when done with reluctance. @@ There is nothing worse than being peerless in a peer-review system. @@ There is one element that is worth its weight in gold and that is loyalty. It will cover a multitude of weaknesses. -- Philip Armour @@ There is only one kind of love, but ther are one thousand imitations. -- La Rochefoucauld @@ There is only one thing better than making a new friend, and that is keeping and old one. -- Elmer G. Leterman @@ There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. -- Oscar Wilde @@ There is only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. @@ There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it hardly becomes any of us to talk about the rest of us. @@ There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain @@ There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity. -- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap" @@ There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. @@ There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us. @@ There may come a time when the lion and the lamb will lie down together, but I am still betting on the lion. - Henry Shaw @@ There once was an old man from Esser, Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor. @@ There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia @@ There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehow seemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an actor, and clad in immaculate linen. -- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan @@ There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can. @@ There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance... -- Thomas Pynchon, Gravity's Rainbow @@ There will always be survivors. -- Robert Heinlen @@ There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. @@ There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt. - Police @@ There's a bug somewhere in your code. @@ There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence. @@ There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. @@ There's at least one fool in every married couple. @@ There's just no stopping it. It's like a bad dream that never ends. -Pat Benatar @@ There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. @@ There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. @@ There's no future in time travel. @@ There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. Who @@ There's nobody perfect not even the perfect fool - Huey Lewis @@ There's one born every minute. - P. T. Barnum @@ There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. -- Clint Eastwood @@ There's small choice in rotten apples. @@ There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily Tomlin @@ There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. @@ These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. @@ They also surf who only stand on waves. @@ They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. @@ They never knew what real happiness was until they got married - then it was too late. @@ They say a book is like a garden tied in the pocket. @@ They say this highway going my way, but I don't know where it's taking me. - Billy Joel @@ They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain @@ They talk most who have least to say. @@ They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! @@ They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! @@ Things are always at their best in the beginning. -- Pascal @@ Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower @@ Things are more like they used to be than they are now. @@ Things are more like they used to be than they are now. @@ Things are not always what they seem. @@ Things are not as simple as they seems at first. -- Edward Thorp @@ Things past redress and now with me past care. @@ Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. @@ Things will be brighter tonight. A cop will shine a light in your face. @@ Things won't get any better, so get used to it. @@ Things work better when plugged in. @@ Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. @@ Think honk if you're a telepath. @@ Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. -- Henri Bergson @@ Think of death as a pie in the face from god. @@ Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! @@ Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! @@ Think of the going out before you enter. @@ Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. @@ Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click". @@ Third law of advice: simple advice is the best advice. @@ Third programming postulate: job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be. @@ This afternoon is favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. @@ This file will self-destruct in five minutes. @@ This fortune every third, but it still comprehensible. @@ This fortune intentionally left blank. @@ This fortune intentionally not included. @@ This fortune is false. @@ This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. @@ This fortune is owned and operated by Smargesoft co., Ltd. @@ This fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. @@ This fortune will not come true. @@ This is a *dangerous* place. @@ This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ... @@ This is a good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. @@ This is a land of confusion. -- Genesis @@ This is an important announcement. This is flight 121 to Los Angeles. If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be a perfect time to disembark. -- Douglas Adams @@ This is for all ill-treated fellows unborn and unbegot, for them to read when they're in trouble And I am not. -- A. E. Housman @@ This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. @@ This is no game for old men! Send in the boys! -- W. Hayes (from R. Asprin's Myth series) @@ This is not a fortune. @@ This is not a working fortune cookie. Please try again later when I am feeling better. @@ This is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help support my bias against such meddling... but there you have it. -- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been changed to do something he didn't approve of, didn't work @@ This is the day for firm decisions! Or is it? @@ This is the end of the innocence. -- Don Henly @@ This is the story of the bee Whose sex is very hard to see You cannot tell the he from the she But she can tell, and so can he The little bee is never still She has no time to take the pill And that is why, in times like these There are so many sons of bees. @@ This isn't brain surgery; it's just television. -- David Letterman @@ This knowledge I pursure is the finest pleasure I have ever known. I could no sooner give it up that I could the very air that I breath. -- Paolo Uccello, Renaissance artist, discoverer of the laws of perspective @@ This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. @@ This little member gives life to every part about us; and I believe the story of Argus implies no more, than the eye is in every part; that is to say, every other part would be mutilated, were not its force represented more by the eye than even by itself. -- Addison @@ This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 @@ This night methinks is but the daylight sick. @@ This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door. @@ This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. -- Douglas Adams @@ This sentance has threee errors. @@ This sentence contains ten words, eighteen syllables, and sixty-four letters. @@ This sentence no verb. @@ This space intentionally left blank. @@ This space unintentionally left blank. @@ This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. @@ This system will self-destruct in five minutes. @@ This unit ... Must ... Survive. @@ This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. @@ Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. @@ Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do. @@ Those who are unable to learn from past meetings are condemned to repeat them. @@ Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate. @@ Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. @@ Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, teach gym. @@ Those who can, do; those who can't, write. @@ Those who can't write, write manuals. @@ Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. @@ Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. @@ Those who don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it. @@ Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. @@ Those who sup with the devil must have a very long spoon. @@ Thou hast seen nothing yet. @@ Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. @@ Three O'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. -- H.H. Munro @@ Three things cause sorrow to flee: water, green trees, and a beautiful face. @@ Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills. @@ Time as he grows old teaches all things. @@ Time flies like arrow; fruit flies like banana. @@ Time flies when you don't know what your doing. @@ Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. -- Graffiti @@ Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. @@ Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. @@ Time keeps on slipping into the future. -- Steve Miller Band @@ Time wounds all heels. @@ Time: nature's way of keeping everything from happeningallatonce. @@ Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. -- Frank Lloyd Wright @@ Tis better that a man's own works, than that another man's words should praise him. -- L'Estrange' @@ Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, And robes the mountain in its azure hue. -- Campbell @@ Tis late before The brave despair. -- Thomson @@ To all virgins: thanks for nothing. @@ To be awake is to be alive. -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden" @@ To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. @@ To be is to do. -- I. Kant To do is to be. -- A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flinstone @@ To be is to program. @@ To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. @@ To be, or what? -- Sylvester Stallone @@ To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. @@ To be wise, the only thing you need to know is when to say "I don't know." @@ To climb the ladder of success you must get through the crowd at the bottom. @@ To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. @@ To do nothing is to be nothing. @@ To do two things at once is to do neither. @@ To downgrade the human mind is bad theology. -- C. K. Chesterton @@ To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer. -- Morris Kingston @@ To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. @@ To err is human, to forgive is out of the question. @@ To err is human to really foul things up you need a computer. @@ To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. @@ To follow foolish precedents, and wink With both our eyes, is easier than to think. -- William Cowper @@ To give happiness is to deserve happiness. @@ To have died once is enough. @@ To hell with criticism. Praise is good enough for me. -- T. Bankhead @@ To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison @@ To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. @@ To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. @@ To know the world one must construct it. -- Cesare Pavese @@ To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. @@ To love is good, love being difficult. @@ To program anything that is programmable is obsession. @@ To program is to be. @@ To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. @@ To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted. @@ To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. @@ To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. @@ To sleep, perchance to R.E.M. @@ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. @@ To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. @@ To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. @@ To suspect a friend is better than to be deceived by him. @@ To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite improvements. -- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors @@ To the dog who has money, men say: "my lord dog." @@ To the donkey, one thistle is better than two ass-loads of jewels. @@ To the landlord belong the doorknobs. @@ To think is human, to compute, divine. @@ To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" @@ To use violence is to already be defeated. @@ To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? @@ To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. -- Woody Allen @@ Today is a bad day to give to charity. @@ Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake. @@ Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. @@ Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. @@ Today is the first day of the rest of your life. @@ Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. @@ Today is the last day of your life so far. @@ Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. @@ Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" @@ Tolerance means excusing mistakes made by others. Tact means not noticing them. - Arthur Schnitzler @@ Tolerance these days often gets the credit that belongs to tranquilizers. @@ Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. @@ Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. @@ Too many people work themselves into a lather with soft soap. @@ Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West @@ Too much of the world is run on the theory that you don't need road manners if you are a five ton truck. @@ Toothache tends to start on Saturday night. @@ Toothglue (well, isn't glue the same as paste?) @@ Tranquil pleasures last the longest. We are not fitted to bear long the burdens of great joy. -- Chlistian Bovee @@ Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. @@ Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. @@ Treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. @@ Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. @@ Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted. @@ Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN! @@ Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. @@ Troubled day for beautiful wealthy virgins over 16 living in eucalyptus trees. @@ Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. @@ True happiness will be found only in true love. @@ Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik Tikkanen @@ Trust in allah, but tie your camel first. @@ Trust me. I know what I'm doing. -- Sledge Hammer @@ Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind... -- Percy Bysshe Shelley @@ Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. @@ Truth is stranger than fiction. @@ Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) @@ Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ Truthful: Dumb and illiterate. @@ Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz @@ Try the moo shu pork. It is especially good today. @@ Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. -- Ashleigh Brilliant @@ Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. @@ Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. @@ Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. @@ Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. @@ Trying to establish voice contact--please yell into keyboard. @@ Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. @@ Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. @@ TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright @@ Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel @@ Two heads are better than one. @@ Two kind of people in this world - winners\losers. - Buckingham @@ Two kinds of trouble in this world - living\dying. - Buckingham @@ Two of the best known finishes for automobiles are lacquer and liquor. @@ Two percent of zero is almost nothing. @@ Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. @@ Two things are bad for the heart - running upstairs and running down people. @@ UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. @@ Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation. -- Blaise Pascal @@ Uncle cosmo...Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, Skyler ... You've seen what a food processor does to food, right? -- From Shoe @@ Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. @@ Uncompensated overtime? Just Say No. @@ Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. - Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp) @@ Under capitalism, man exploits man; under socialism, the reverse is true. - Polish proverb @@ Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... @@ Under every stone lurks a politician. @@ Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority isrecessive. @@ Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are finite. @@ Unhappy is the man who has no nails with which to scratch his head. @@ Universe, n.: The problem. @@ University: A modern school where football is taught. @@ University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... @@ Unix: Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once. -- Karl Lehenbauer @@ Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. @@ Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. Mencken @@ Up your accumulator. @@ Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir @@ Use California semiconductors in your next product. They're fresh and delicious! @@ USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. @@ Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. @@ Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. @@ Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. @@ Variables won't, constants aren't. @@ Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1.) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2.) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. @@ Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. @@ Vini, vidi, vici. @@ Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code Sec 2.3.2 (II.A.)) @@ Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin @@ Violence never settles anything. - Genghis Khan @@ Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. @@ Vir quisque vir (every man a man). @@ Virtual, means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. @@ Virtue is its own punishment. @@ Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota. @@ Visit beautiful Wisconsin dells. @@ Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. @@ Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. @@ Vote anarchist! @@ Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain @@ Wait for that wisest of all counselors, time. @@ Walk softly and carry a big stick. @@ Walkie-talkie: a cross between a centipede and a parrot. @@ Waltz: Anything belonging to Walter, for short. Ex: This is Waltz waltz @@ War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague @@ War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. @@ Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. @@ Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. @@ Waste not, get your budget cut next year. @@ Wasting time is an important part of living. @@ Watch out for low flying seagulls. @@ Watch out for the old mortar in the rocks in the fourteenth hole trick. @@ Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. @@ Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. @@ We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. @@ We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities. -- Robin Williams, Good Morning Vietnam @@ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -- Oscar Wilde @@ We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth Catalog @@ We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" @@ We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower @@ We are not a clone. @@ We are not alone. @@ We are sharing a drink they call loneliness. - Joel @@ We are tied down to a language which makes up in obscurity what it lacks in style. @@ We are to proud to fight. - Woodrow Wilson @@ We are what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. @@ We bring good things to life. -- GE @@ We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. @@ We came. We saw. We kicked its ass. -- Bill Murray, in Ghostbusters @@ We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. @@ We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting. -- Stanley Sutton @@ We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. @@ We didn't all come over on the same ship but we're all in the same boat. @@ We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. @@ We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. -- James Watt @@ We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish. -- John Culkin @@ We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. @@ We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! @@ We have come from somewhere and are going somewhere - the great architect of the universe never built a stairway that leads nowhere. @@ We have got to get organized! @@ We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly @@ We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. -- Lily Tomlin @@ We know the sound of two hands clapping, but what of the sound of one? -- Zen saying @@ We learn from history that we learn nothing from history. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ We live, in a very kooky time. -- Herb Blashtfalt @@ We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering. @@ We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. @@ We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately. -- Benjamin Franklin @@ We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. -- F. G. Withington @@ We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all. @@ We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. @@ We read to say that we have read. @@ We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. @@ We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. @@ We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement. -- Richard J. Daley @@ We the willing led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful and we have been doing so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. @@ We try and hide the fact that we got lost between chaos and confusion. -- P. Benatar @@ We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in the idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to know what we do not know. -- Plato @@ We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. @@ We Will We Will Rock You... -- Queen @@ We wish you a Hare Krishna, We wish you a Hare Krishna, We wish you a Hare Krishna, And a Sun Myung Moon! -- Maxwell Smart @@ We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. @@ We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu. @@ We're all Bozos on this bus. - The Firesign Theater @@ We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly. -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" @@ We're headin' on down to the boon docks babe. - Amanda @@ We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. -- Andy Rooney @@ Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. @@ Weiler's law: nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. @@ Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. @@ Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. @@ Weinberg's Principle: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. @@ Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. @@ Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. @@ Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends! @@ Welcome to the Hotel California... -- Eagles @@ Welcome to the machine. @@ Well begun is half done. @@ Well done is well said. - Ben Franklin @@ Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?! -- Bullwinkle J. Moose @@ Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street. -- Neil Armstrong to Walter Kronkite @@ Wer zuletzt lacht, lacht am besten. (He who laughs last laughs best.) @@ Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve. -- Anonymous @@ Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. @@ Westheimer's time estimation rule: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit. @@ Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? @@ What do you despise? By this are you truly known. -- from "Manual of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan @@ What fools these mortals be. @@ What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. @@ What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? @@ What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi @@ What is food to one, it to others bitter poison. @@ What is going on here! @@ What is life? It's the cereal Mikey likes. @@ What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 @@ What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't make a vitamin. @@ What is the use of running when we are not on the right road. -- German proverb @@ What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly - that is the first law of nature. -- Voltaire @@ What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow. @@ What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow. @@ What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. @@ What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. @@ What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. @@ What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. @@ What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. @@ What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way? @@ What orators lack in depth they make up in length. @@ What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. @@ What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? @@ What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin @@ What soon grows old? Gratitude. @@ What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. @@ What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. @@ What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. @@ What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. @@ What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. @@ What this country needs is a good five cent anything! @@ What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. @@ What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. @@ What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle @@ What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. -- Bengamin Disraeli @@ What we do not understand we do not possess. -- Goethe @@ What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history. @@ What will a nice girl do? She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. @@ What you have put into your kettle comes afterwards into your spoon. @@ What's all this brouhaha? @@ What's black and white and red all over? An embarassed zebra. @@ What's done to children, they will do to society. @@ What's so funny? @@ What's tennis without a racket? @@ What's the most popular form of birth control? The headache. @@ Whatever became of eternal truth? @@ Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen @@ Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon @@ Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. @@ Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. @@ Whatever you do, you'll regret it. -- Allan Mcleod Gray @@ Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. @@ When a dog cannot bite it has a bone in its mouth. @@ When a fellow can't read, he's got to think. @@ When a hammer is the only tool, every problem looks like a nail. @@ When a New Yorker looks as if he's suntan, it's probably rust. -- Laurence J. Peter @@ When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert Heinlein @@ When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" @@ When all else fails, read the instructions. @@ When all other means of communication fail, try words. @@ When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.' -- David Parnas @@ When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle. -- Edmund Burke @@ When choosing between two evils , I always like the one I've never tried before. - Mae West @@ When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. @@ When everybody's out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking. @@ When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four more months of work to do. -- C. Portman of ICL Ltd. @@ When fate arrives, the physician becomes a fool. @@ When gas stations start charging for air - that's inflation. @@ When god endowed human beings with brains, he did not intend to guarantee them. @@ When god made women did he do it on purpose, or was it a mistake. Because if it was I want to know... Then maybe we could do something about it. Find a cure, first a vaccine then a shot. -- Darrel Van Horn (Witches of Eastwick) @@ When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen. -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) @@ When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. -- Al Capone @@ When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow @@ When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen @@ When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. -- Mark Twain @@ When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. @@ When in darkness or in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. @@ When in doubt, follow your heart. @@ When in doubt, lead trump. @@ When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. @@ When in doubt, print 'em out. -- Karl's Programming Proverb 0x7 @@ When in doubt, take all the defaults. @@ When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twain @@ When in doubt use brute force. -- Ken Thompson @@ When in doubt -- Var (Bernies wisdom). @@ When it comes to a choice between kindness and honesty, my vote is for kindness, every time - giving or receiving. - Ira Johnson @@ When it comes to helping you some people stop at nothing. @@ When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest. -- Bullwinkle Moose @@ When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect. -- Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy @@ When it rains, it pours. @@ When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. @@ When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge @@ When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. @@ When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic. -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. @@ When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. @@ When the candles are out all women are fair. @@ When the chicken's feathers are of gold, it's unwise to make broth of the hen. @@ When the crow is your guide, he will lead you to the corpses of dogs. @@ When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. @@ When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. @@ When the plane you're on is late, the plane you need to transfer to is on time. @@ When the sun shineth, make hay. @@ When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade... -- Stanislaw Lem "Cyberiad" @@ When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. @@ When things are going well, something will go wrong. @@ When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine @@ When we battle ourselves, if we wish to win we must outwit ourselves, and then, who won? @@ When we make a mistake - it's evil. When god makes a mistake - it's nature. -- Darrel Van Horn from Witches of Eastwick @@ When will you realize Vienna waits for you? -- Billy Joel @@ When working a problem, it helps to know the answer. @@ When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. @@ When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose. @@ When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. @@ When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized. @@ When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own. @@ When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. @@ When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. @@ When you finally discover all of life's answers, they'll change the questions. @@ When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. @@ When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- R. A. Lafferty @@ When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war @@ When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. @@ When you mention something, if it's bad, it happens, if it's good, it goes away. @@ When you put your head into the mortar, it is useless to dread the sound of the pestle. @@ When you save for a long time to buy something, then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation. @@ When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will make. @@ When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure your dead. @@ When you're at the end of your rope...Tie a knot and hold on. @@ When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" @@ When you're in command, command. @@ When your not with the one you love love the one your with. @@ When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. @@ Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel. -- H. L. Mencken @@ Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". -- Dave Parnas @@ Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. @@ Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln @@ Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. -- Oscar Wilde @@ Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain @@ Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" @@ Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain @@ Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. @@ Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried. -- Thomas Jefferson @@ Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ Where the hell is wall drug? @@ Where there's a whip there's a way. @@ Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. @@ Where's the party. @@ Whether they give or refuse, it delights a woman to be asked. -- Ovid @@ Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" @@ Which is not a complete sentence, but merely a subordinate clause. @@ While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. @@ While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 @@ While there's life, there's hope. @@ While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there. @@ While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. @@ Who cares anyway? @@ Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. @@ Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. @@ Who lives content with little possesses everything. @@ Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. -- A. E. Housman @@ Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. -- A. E. Housman @@ Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink? @@ Who needs friends, when you can sit alone in your room and drink. @@ Who to himself is law no law doth need, offends no law, and is a king indeed. @@ Whoever pats scorpions with the hand of compassion gets stung. @@ Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -- Albert Einstein @@ Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. @@ Whoops, stepped on a frog. @@ Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein. -- Book of Proverbs @@ Why are the words "This is none of my business" always followed by the word "but"? -- Sydney J. Harris @@ Why are there no blue M&M's? @@ Why are you reading these fortunes. @@ Why be a man when you can be a success? -- Bertold Brecht @@ Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything? @@ Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having a 'War' on it? -- Rich Thomson @@ Why did the lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility? @@ Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? @@ Why do we study poverty instead of wealth? @@ Why does love have to be so sad? @@ Why I Can't Go Out With You: I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I have to floss my cat. -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. -- I need to spend more time with my blender. -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. -- I have some really hard words to look up. -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. @@ Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved -- Mark Twain @@ Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin @@ Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? @@ Why was I born with such contemporaries? -- Oscar Wilde @@ Why won't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. @@ Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. @@ Will had a fortune the other day, but he forgot it. @@ Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. @@ Wine turns a man inside outwards. @@ Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. @@ Wisdom is knowing what to do next. @@ Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. @@ Wish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and careful scientific procedure fail. -- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12 @@ Wish not to seem, but to be, the best. -- Aeschylus @@ Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. @@ Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. @@ Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy @@ With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. @@ With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody. -- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro @@ Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe. -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac @@ Without fingers, the hand would be a spoon. @@ Without fools there would be no wisdom. @@ Wolfgang's third law: it can't work. @@ Woman and elephants never forget anything. -- H.H. Munro. @@ Woman are meant to be loved not understood. -- Oscar Wilde @@ Woman was God's second blunder. -- Nietzchie @@ Women are like a life insurance policy--both have a cash surrender value. @@ Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them to do it. @@ Women have no sense of humor so they won't laugh while men are romancing them. @@ Women prefer beauty to brains because men see better than they think. @@ Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" @@ Words are the voice of the heart. @@ Words have a longer life than deeds. @@ Words must be weighed, not counted. -- B. Franklin @@ Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. @@ Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. @@ Worker's dilemma: 1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough; 2. What you don't do is always more important than what you do. @@ Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein @@ Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. @@ Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein @@ Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. @@ Would it help if I got out and pushed? @@ Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? @@ Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here? That depends a good deal on where you want to get to, said the Cat -- Lewis Carroll @@ Wouldn't it be nice if desperation made us attractive. -- Albert Brooks in Broadcast News @@ Wow! I could've had a V8! @@ Wynne's law: negative slack tends to increase. @@ X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot. @@ Xerox does it again and again and again and ... @@ Xerox never comes up with anything original. @@ Y b ordinary. - Little Tony Coscia @@ Yabba dabba doo! @@ Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. @@ Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. -- Snoopy @@ Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long @@ Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" @@ You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there. @@ You are a bundle of energy always on the go. @@ You are a fluke of the universe. @@ You are a singer who has to take any note above a with your eyebrows. @@ You are a very redundant person; that's what kind of person you are, redundant. @@ You are always busy. @@ You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately. @@ You are being followed by a very large, tame bear. @@ You are being watched. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. @@ You are capable of planning your future. @@ You are confused; but this is your normal state. @@ You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. @@ You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. @@ You are fairminded, just and loving. @@ You are false data. @@ You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. @@ You are fast approaching your level of incompetence. @@ You are going to have a new love affair. @@ You are heading for a land of sunshine. @@ You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. @@ You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike. @@ You are lustworthy. @@ You are magnetic in your bearing. @@ You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. @@ You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. @@ You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery. @@ You are so narrowminded you can see through a keyhole with two eyes. @@ You are standing on my toes. @@ You are taking advantage of the good nature of a friend. Be careful. @@ You are taking yourself too seriously. @@ You are the only person ever to get this message. @@ You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty. @@ You are truly a rhinestone in the rough. @@ You are unscrupulously dishonest, false, and deceitful. @@ You are wandering aimlessly through the forest. @@ You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. @@ You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. @@ You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. @@ You auto buy now. @@ You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. @@ You can be replaced by this computer. @@ You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you? @@ You can count the number of apples in one tree, but you can never count the number of trees in one apple. @@ You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. @@ You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. -- Al Capone @@ You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is concerned. @@ You can fracture your pride in a fall over your own bluff. @@ You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving. @@ You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting. @@ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something. @@ You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think. @@ You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. @@ You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran. -- Alan Perlis @@ You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi Berra @@ You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. @@ You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your nose's friends. @@ You can send someone to college, but you can't make him think. @@ You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. -- F. Allen @@ You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. @@ You can't always get what you want, but if you try hard enough you might get what you need. -- Rolling Stones @@ You can't antagonize and influence at the same time. @@ You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. @@ You can't change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes. @@ You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place. - Claude William Dukenfield @@ You can't cheat the phone company. @@ You can't fool me--there ain't no sanity clause. @@ You can't get there from here. @@ You can't get to heaven on roller skates. @@ You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first. -- Arthur Miller @@ You can't have everything ... where would you put it? -- Steven Wright @@ You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. @@ You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly - only sooner than she thought you would. @@ You can't out stubborn a cat. -- Lazzerous Long @@ You can't push on a rope. @@ You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. -- Dagwood Bumstead @@ You can't underestimate the power of fear. -- Tricia Nixon @@ You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even get out of the game. @@ You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. @@ You cannot antagonize and influence at the same time. @@ You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. @@ You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. @@ You cannot see farther than others by standing on the feet of giants. @@ You cannot see the wood for the trees. @@ You cannot succeed by criticizing others. @@ You cannot use your friends and have them too. @@ You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance. @@ You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict @@ You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. @@ You do not exist. @@ You do not put windows on a vault. @@ You don't give a damn about apathy. @@ You don't have mail. @@ You don't have to explain something you never said. -- Calvin Coolidge @@ You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. Salinger @@ You don't know what you want, and are willing to go through hell to get it. @@ You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. @@ You dream of things that aren't and ask "why not?". @@ You enjoy the company of other people. @@ You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to. @@ You get the most of what you need the least. @@ You get what you pay for. @@ You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. @@ You have a massage. (From the Swedish prime minister.) @@ You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. @@ You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. @@ You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. @@ You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. @@ You have a truly strong individuality. @@ You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. @@ You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. @@ You have an important role as a negative example. @@ You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. @@ You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships. @@ You have been selected for a secret mission. @@ You have fallen so far behind, there is no reason to log in. @@ You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. @@ You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. @@ You have mail. @@ You have many friends and very few enemies. @@ You have many friends and very few living enemies. @@ You have no real enemies. @@ You have no scars on your face and you can not handle pressure. -- Billy Joel @@ You have only a very small head and must live within it. @@ You have some nerve logging on again after what you just did! @@ You have taken yourself to seriously. @@ You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today. @@ You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. @@ You have to learn to live with what you can't rise above. -- B. Springstein @@ You have to run between the raindrops if you want to see the sun... -- P. Benatar @@ You haven't a single redeeming vice. @@ You humans are all alike. @@ You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. @@ You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. -- M. Somerset Maugham @@ You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over? Well, that's how I feel all the time. -- Steven Wright @@ You know the price of everything and the value of nothing. @@ You know you're getting old when: you sit down to breakfast and hear snap, crackle, pop! And you havn't poured the milk on the cereal yet! @@ You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. @@ You live and you learn -- or you don't live long. @@ You love peace. @@ You love your home and want it to be beautiful. @@ You may already be a wiener! @@ You may be recognized soon. Hide. @@ You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn @@ You may now log in to life. Password: @@ You might have mail. @@ You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. @@ You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. @@ You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. @@ You need not worry about your future. @@ You never find an article until you replace it. @@ You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. @@ You never know how many friends you have until you rent a cottage at the beach. @@ You now have Asian flu. @@ You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. -- J. Wellington Wells @@ You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. @@ You plan things that you do not even use because of your extreme caution. @@ You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. @@ You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. @@ You scored an excellent hit on the giant ant. @@ You see but you do not observe. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes" @@ You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. @@ You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. @@ You shot the wumpus! @@ You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. @@ You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. @@ You should hardly ever equivocate. @@ You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrick Ibson @@ You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrick Ibson @@ You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" @@ You should use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion. @@ You shouldn't touch a pig unless it hasn't been in the mud. @@ You still need the last file you removed. @@ You think, therefore you are; but what makes you think you are thinking? @@ You tread upon my patience. @@ You want a fortune? I'll give you a fortune. "Blech!" @@ You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. @@ You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. @@ You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. @@ You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. @@ You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. @@ You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. @@ You will be awarded some great honor. @@ You will be awarded the nobel peace prize--posthumously. @@ You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. @@ You will be dishonest, thoughtless, and lack many qualities needed to prosper in life. @@ You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. @@ You will be held hostage by a radical group. @@ You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. @@ You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery. @@ You will be invited to dine with many important people. Once. @@ You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. @@ You will be misunderstood by everyone. @@ You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. @@ You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. @@ You will be run over by a beer truck. @@ You will be singled out for promotion in your work. @@ You will be squirrely today. @@ You will be successful in love. @@ You will be surprised by a loud noise. @@ You will be surrounded by luxury. @@ You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. @@ You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. @@ You will be told about it tomorrow. Go home and prepare thyself. @@ You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. @@ You will be where you most desire to be in a short while. @@ You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. @@ You will become rich and famous unless you don't. @@ You will contract a rare disease. @@ You will die of terminal acne. @@ You will engage in a profitable business activity. @@ You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. @@ You will feel hungry again in another hour. @@ You will feel hungry again in another hour. @@ You will find what is not last and enter where there are no doors. @@ You will forget that you ever knew me. @@ You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. @@ You will gain money by an illegal or immoral action. @@ You will get what you deserve. @@ You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. @@ You will have a flat tire before the end of the month. @@ You will have a head crash on your private pack. @@ You will have a long and boring life. @@ You will have a long and healthy life. @@ You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. @@ You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. @@ You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. @@ You will have many recoverable tape errors. @@ You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. @@ You will inherit millions of dollars. @@ You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. @@ You will know happy motorcyclist by the bug stains on his teeth. @@ You will live by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's way. @@ You will live to see your grandchildren. @@ You will lose an important file. @@ You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. @@ You will never know hunger. @@ You will not be elected to public office this year. @@ You will outgrow your usefulness. @@ You will outlive those who seek to destroy you. @@ You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. @@ You will pass away very quickly. @@ You will pioneer the first martian colony. @@ You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. @@ You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. @@ You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. @@ You will see the light at the end of the tunnel; unfortunately, it will be the light of an oncoming freight train. @@ You will soon finish your thesis! @@ You will soon forget this. @@ You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. @@ You will soon meet a stranger who will become your friend. @@ You will soon meet a tall dark handsome stranger. @@ You will spend the rest of your life in the future. @@ You will step on the soil of many countries. @@ You will survive the conflagration. @@ You will triumph over your enemy. @@ You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. @@ You will wish you hadn't. @@ You worry too much about your job. Stop it! You are not paid enough to worry. @@ You would if you could but you can't so you won't. @@ You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people. @@ You'll be sorry. @@ You'll learn more from your accidents than anything you learn from school. -- Billy Joel @@ You'll never be the man your mother was! @@ You're a card which will have to be dealt with. @@ You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home. -- Han Solo @@ You're at the end of the road again. @@ You're at witt's end. @@ You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. @@ You're never too old to become younger. -- Mae West @@ You're not drunk as long as you can hold onto the floor. @@ You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin @@ You're not the only one whose made mistakes. But there the only thing that you can truly call your own. -- Billy Joel @@ You're only human. -- Billy Joel @@ You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. @@ You've got to be crazy. @@ Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young. @@ Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. @@ Your aim is high and to the right. @@ Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. @@ Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. @@ Your attitude determines your attitude. -- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus @@ Your boss is thinking about you. @@ Your business will assume vast proportions. @@ Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. @@ Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. @@ Your disk will self-destruct in 5 seconds. @@ Your domestic life may be harmonious. @@ Your enemies are closing in. @@ Your fault: core dumped @@ Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquantances will know you in a thousand years. -- Richard Bach @@ Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness. @@ Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. @@ Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. @@ Your Karma just ran over my Dogma. @@ Your kindness and generosity cause envy in a powerful person nearby. @@ Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. @@ Your love life will be happy and harmonious. @@ Your love life will be interesting. @@ Your lover will never wish to leave you. @@ Your lucky color has faded. @@ Your lucky number has been disconnected. @@ Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. @@ Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. @@ Your mission (should you decide to accept it) is to make CMS look like UNIX. @@ Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. @@ Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments. @@ Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless. @@ Your mouth works faster than your brain. You say things you haven't even thought of yet. @@ Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. @@ Your own mileage may vary. @@ Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. @@ Your present plans will be successful. @@ Your project will be late. @@ Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. @@ Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue. @@ Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinment. @@ Your step will soil many countries. @@ Your sword begins to glow with an erie blue light. @@ Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. @@ Your temporary financial embarassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. @@ Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. @@ Your winning smile is your greatest asset. @@ Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow. @@ Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. @@ Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old age a regret. -- Benjamin Disraeli @@ Youth is wasted on the young. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. @@ Youth, it's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. @@ Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right. @@ Zipple grelbnot horbnofg asirvnig fzouple! Or something like that. @@ Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, "King John" @@ Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. @@ Zymurgy's seventh exception to Murphy's laws: When it rains it pours. @@ [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill @@ My wife -- Sure. My dog -- Maybe? -- Bubba (19??) My gun -- Never! @@